2014's finest Fat Kid Fridays foods
It's almost 2015, but before everyone starts talking about the weight-loss resolutions they'll undoubtedly keep for approximately 2.5 days, we need to honor the finest, fattest foods to grace Fat Kid Fridays this year. In 2014, we feasted our eyes -- and then our mouths, obviously -- on the likes of bacon-wrapped meatloaf, a fried Hot Pocket burger, and even 15lbs of glorious poutine. We have some seriously high expectations for 2015. Suck it, New Year's resolutions. We don't need you when we've got ALL the calories to keep us company.
14. The Hot Pocket Burger
PYT (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 1,482
In a move that makes their donut cheesesteak burger seem like a sensible choice for healthy eaters, PYT rolled out a real show/heart-stopper in the form of a burger that uses two deep-fried Cheesesteak Hot Pockets as buns. Also, there's shaved beef and Cheez Whiz. Because the idea of a Hot Pocket burger just wasn't enough.
You could top off this Philly food with a local Donnoli for an even fatter/lazier meal...
13. Grandma Pat's Crispy Buttermilk Fried Chicken
Punk's Simple Southern Food (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 2,284
Grandma Pat knew what was up when she created her recipe for this crazy-crispy buttermilk fried chicken. And she also somehow knew the kind of gluttony we're truly capable of. There are 10 pieces of beautifully battered and fried chicken in this meal, plus horseradish mashers with red-eye gravy and buttermilk biscuits. That whole-bird meal is technically meant for two to three people to share. But, you know what? Shut up. We're trying to make Grandma Pat proud here.
Oh, but there are so many other fantastic fried chicken spots in Houston too...
12. Zillion Dollar Grilled Cheese
Deca Restaurant + Bar (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 2,687
The formula for ridiculously expensive sandwiches always has two staples: foie gras and truffles. Deca's decadent monster checks off both, while really paying attention to the details with Iberico ham and pricey balsamic. But the real kicker here -- as both your waistline and wallet will notice -- is the side of mac 'n cheese that boasts a solid pound of lobster that went swimming in hot cheese sauce before topping off the gooey pasta. Because no grilled cheese is complete without cheesy pasta. Or 24-karat gold flakes.
Here's a dollar-by-dollar breakdown of this $100 grilled cheese...
11. Cinnamon Roll Stuffing
The Food In My Beard
Approximate calorie count: 3,723
You know how every Turkey Day you think to yourself "this Thanksgiving could use more cinnamon rolls"? Well, we've all been there, and our prayers have been answered, thanks to this revolutionary stuffing recipe that uses glazed cinnamon rolls, veggies, and bacon for a sweet & smoky shock to your usual holiday feast. True to its name, if you eat too much of this stuff, someone might soon be rolling you out of the dining room. That being said, you probably should go ahead and eat too much of this stuff. Spend the next year preparing.
Next year's meal is basically going to be incomplete without this, so start practicing...
10. Cave Man Club
Approximate calorie count: 3,790
You may've thought fair food was crazy (and crazily deep-fried) before, but now there's this, which puts all your deep-fried butter and Doritos to shame. The aptly named fair fare is a humongous turkey gam fully wrapped in bacon and then deep-fried. We hope modern-day Fred Flintstones are smart enough to chow down on this rather than use it as a club, or else that'd be a horrible waste of bacon.
They basically fry everything at the state fair. Even pecan pie...
9. The Triple Coronary Bypass
Vortex Bar & Grill (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 4,172
The most ridiculous, beefy, cheesy, greasy thing to emerge from Georgia since Hulk Hogan, this is less a burger than a work of modern art. It's made up of three burger patties, three fried eggs, 14 slices of American cheese, and 10 pieces of bacon, all stuffed between two grilled cheeses, then served atop a warm bed of fries & tater tots blanketed in gooey cheese sauce. Eating one's harder than re-watching Suburban Commando... and way more fun.
Atlanta's got a bunch of burgers worth eating, and we even ranked them for you...
8. Bloody Mary
Approximate calorie count: 4,272
A healthy, boring person once told us to stop drinking our calories, and, to that person, we raise this Bloody Mary that'll let us eat a solid 4,000+ calories just so we can drink. Actually, we can't toast with it, because it’d probably fall over. But we sure can flaunt the concoction in all its foot-long sub/pizza/fried chicken-topped glory. Please don't kill us.
There's garlic bread, onion rings, and French fries in there, too...
7. The Dentist Disaster
Cabot's Ice Cream (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 4,700
The old-school parlor has mastered payback to all the evil dentists of childhood's past with this epically large sundae. The beast takes 10 scoops of their candy-laden creams -- Milky Ways? They've got 'em. Snickers? That too. -- then covers the mountain in a river of hot fudge and caramel sauces, plus a blanket of whipped cream. You can then top it off with Reese's Pieces. So you obviously should... ET didn't have any teeth, and he seemed pretty okay.
Boston's got an ice cream pizza, too. And it's exactly as awesome as it sounds...
6. Bacon Bomb
Kaiser Tiger (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 5,141
The gut-busting Bacon Bomb is essentially your Mom's meatloaf... if your Mom was a carnivorous lumberjack sent from a porcine future. While the 5lb log of meat is meant to serve six, we can't help but imagine inhaling the deliciously seasoned 4lbs of pork and beef held together by 16 bacon slices alone, in one sitting. Then crying extremely salty shame tears. Luckily, if you want to be healthy -- and aren't aware of what "healthy" means -- you can get it as a sandwich with pepper Jack cheese and BBQ sauce.
This beer hall has 24 drafts and flights of sausage...
5. Pizza Burger
Approximate calorie count: 7,795
In 2010, Burger King came out with a short-lived, Times Square-exclusive, 9.5in, 2,500-calorie Pizza Burger, and, while we were impressed and inspired, it just wasn't enough. We needed more. And so we took it upon ourselves to make it happen, because we are self-sufficient, productive members of society. Our copycat pizza burger is a 12in-wide, whopping (get it?!?!) 7,795-calorie beast that uses a huge homemade bun and tons of ground beef, mozzarella, and pepperoni. You could share this with six of your favorite friends, but, really, what have they ever done for you? Chew on that, and then chew on this entire thing by yourself, alone, in the dark... for about four days.
If you wanna eat this, you're gonna have to make it first...
4. Ostrich Egg Breakfast Sandwich
Miller's Near & Far (address and info)
New York, NY
Approximate calorie count: 10,000
Never again can you feel guilty about that breakfast sammie that puts you back to bed (and actually makes your hangover way worse) every Saturday morning, 'cause this one's way bigger than your head, has about four times the bacon, and enough bread and cheese for two pizzas.
Watch this thing get made...
3. Pepperoni Pizza
Pin-up Pizza (address and info)
Las Vegas, NV
Approximate calorie count: 11,058
Not feeling particularly hungry? Fine, be a wimp and just get one measly 15in slice instead. The mere 1,105 calories in one piece should hold you over until your next meal, but there's a whole pizza here just in case.
We have nine other Vegas openings after you work off that slice...
2. Heart Attack Poutine
Poutineville (address and info)
Approximate calorie count: 15,300
Is there any point in eating an order of poutine if it isn't a GIANT bowl filled with 15lbs of the stuff?! Well, yes, because it's still French fries, gravy, and cheese curds. But still, this platter ups the ante on traditional poutine with chunks of sausage that help make up this hefty, glorious mass.
We'd move to Montreal for their poutine options...
1. Grilled Cheese-Tomato Soup Dumplings
Approximate calorie count: 18,189 (for 32)
There are few better food combos in this world than a classic grilled cheese sandwich with a hot bowl of tomato soup: but man, our arms sure get tired. All that dipping? It's exhausting. We just couldn't take it anymore, and knew there had to be another way. These bready, bite-size morsels are fried up and filled with cheese & creamy tomato soup so that you get the best of both worlds in one poppable bite. Your dipping arm will thank you later.
Your childhood self would REALLY want you to make these...