“Fat baby me is sad that grandma stopped singing. ‘Again, grandma, again! Again again again!’
“‘CA-DI-LACK-ACK-YACK-YACK-AH-AH-AGH --’ (coughs, slurps her drink)
“The entire restaurant is staring at us. My grandma has been quite loud. The waitstaff is crowded by the host stand in stunned silence.
“‘Mom! Stop it!’
“‘Again, Grandma, again!’ I was an evil baby. Still am.
“The next round of the chorus comes on, this time you can never argue with a crazy mi-mi-mi-mi-mind.
“Grandma: ‘YACK-YACK-YACK-YACK-YACK --’
“Entire restaurant: (agape, pointing and whispering)
“Waitstaff: (prob wondering if someone will tip more because of this)
“Me: (fat giggling baby covered in sweet potatoes)
“Grandpa: ‘SHUT UP, MAYH!’ (my best approximation of his JC-accented version of her name)
“Grandma: ‘SHUT UP, JAWGE, YACK YACK YACK YACK YACK --’
“Family: (so ashamed)
“We left soon after. My parents tipped well.” -- Ken Garretson
In addition to collecting the usual restaurant, home-cooking, and any other food-adjacent stories, we're looking for stories of college assholes from dining hall workers. If you have anything you’d like to see appear in Off the Menu, please emailWilyUbertrout@gmail.com with "Off the Menu" in the subject line, or tweet at @EyePatchGuy.