3p: Little Caesar's Hot & Ready Pepperoni (1/2 pie): The food that sustains 95% of college students, the Hot & Ready, recently experienced a dollar price hike and a decline in quality… but who gives a crap? It's the perfect football pie. It tastes like pizza candy and doesn't have much realness going on, but it's fantastic. It's even better when you eat it while half-asleep on the couch.
7p: Papa Murphy's Gourmet Chicken deLITE (3 slices): To switch it up, pretend to be healthier, and trick my taste buds, I went with a chicken pie with creamy garlic sauce, and while it was pretty good, the salt totally shocked my mouth. To counter this, I briefly thought about putting a slice on top of a bready Little Caesar's slice, then my stomach made a weird noise and I decided against it.
Feeling at the end of day 1: Crampy. I've got shooting pains in my stomach. My lady gives me no sympathy.
DAY 2: FROZEN PIZZA STUFF
Feeling at the beginning of day 2: Fan-effin'-tastic.
9a: Bagel Bites (9): Man, I forgot how delicious these little suckers were, and it's probably the most breakfasty thing I was gonna get all week. I should have savored it. Instead, I ate all nine in about four minutes, and then wanted more. But they definitely stopped my withdrawal shakes.
1:30p: First case of rot gut/heart burn. Uh oh.
3:30p: Totino's Pizza Rolls (15): These things are disgusting, and when they're undercooked it's like squirting pizza-flavored toothpaste in your mouth. This is why I rushed home from school when I was a kid?!
4:46p: Uncontrollable burping.
7:30p: Freschetta Brick Oven Pepperoni (1/3 pie): First, why is it called "Brick Oven" if it's sold raw and cooked in a conventional oven that has very, very few bricks in it? Second, I don't give a crap because all I've eaten all day is novelty pizza items for children, and this actually tastes real. It's also extra-delicious if it's folded like a taco and consumed whole. I'm flabbergasted that I'm this excited about eating frozen pizza... but I've also had five beers, so anything with cheese would do the trick.
9:45p: The first casualty: I ate the Freschetta right out of the oven and burned the hell out of the roof of my mouth. When I brushed my teeth, the spit was full of blood from tearing the burn open.
Feeling at the end of day 2: Woozy.
DAY 3: REGIONAL STYLES
Feeling at the beginning of day 3: Groggy, slightly icky.
9:30a: New York Style (1 slice): Yeah, I get that putting pineapple on a pizza is a no-no, but I really, really wanted to taste something aside from sauce and meat, and this really did the trick in helping my palate recover a little. But man, I'm so sick of pizza right now. My mornings have become sluggish. I can't get out of bed, and I keep waking up strictly to do gross things in the bathroom.
3:30p Chicago-Style Pepperoni & Sausage (1 slice): This is the stuff. The crust is finally completely different, so it actually feels like I'm eating something aside from the same thing I've eaten over and over and over. I chase it down with a Honker's Ale, because it's actually hard to find Goose Island here.
4p: Stupidly took the dog on a five-mile walk through a restaurant-heavy neighborhood. I can smell everything. I think the guy in the dumpling truck is laughing at me. Screw you, fried chicken restaurant!
6:15p: Heartburn hits -- big time. I make the executive decision to not eat more. I opt for a gross drink of concentrated greens instead. This sucks.
Feeling at the end of day 3: Debilitating heart burn, exhaustion. In bed by 9p.
3:40a: I wake up with tremendous heartburn.
4:03a: I wake up with a little hot vomit taste just kinda chillin' in my mouth. Two more days.
DAY 4: FANCY-PANTS PIZZA
Feeling at the beginning of day 4: Disjointed and slightly aloof.
10a: Tandoori Chicken Pizza (2 small slices): Here, finally, is something that tastes totally different. No pepperoni. No marinara sauce. Just a bunch of crazy Indian spices. It's not gonna help the heartburn, but it'll definitely help the brain. I've been looking forward to Fancy-Pants Day since I conceived of this horrible cleanse, and this is my day to shine. I paired the breakfast with coffee, cider, and milk. That was dumb.
2:30p: Wood-Fired (1 cheese, 1 sausage): This is one of my favorite pies in town, and I somehow am having trouble eating it. And keeping my eyes open. I can hardly even taste sauce anymore. The highlight of this is the charred crust, because at least burned tastes like something to me now. My guts are in knots, and I just realized I really need some fiber in my diet. Sadly, flaxseed is not a topping option. I'm also mentally slower than usual... maybe it was the whiskey last night, but that usually doesn't phase me. I think my blood is turning into marinara, and it's just starting to reach my brain.
6p: Artisan Margherita with Arugula (1/2 small pie): This is the one I've been waiting for, since it's supposed to be one of the best pies in the city and I've never tried it. I go with the wood-fired, arugula-topped margherita so I can savor the simplicity, but I can't get past that mound of arugula. It doesn't taste like pizza at all. It tastes healthy. And nutty. I chew through most of it like a cow, staring into the distance as a new flavor hits my palate. When I snap to and start eating the pizza itself, all I can think of is where to get more of that green stuff. It represents the first time in my life that I've craved a veggie.
Feeling at the end of day 4: Feeling fine, but had to go to bed at, like, 9 o'clock, because I couldn't keep my eyes open despite about 10hrs in bed yesterday.
Day 5: FAKE, PIZZA-FLAVORED CRAP
Feeling at the beginning of day 5: I think this is making me a little dumber. Maybe. I'm too dumb to know anymore.
10a: Pizzeria Pretzel Combos (1 6.3oz bag): Today is gonna suck, and it's starting with one of my favorite snacks... but I'm more a cheddar cheese man. I'm not sure the people who make Combos have ever even had pizza, judging by these things. This is my sustenance for the morning? Maybe if I dip them in my coffee -- nope. Instead, I shove the bag in my face like a horse. I am losing my mind.
2p: Taco Bell Mexican Pizza (2): On most days, I'd rather just not eat than touch any non-Doritos-flavored Taco Bell, since I tend to puke it up/otherwise ingloriously evacuate it within minutes of consumption, sober or not. But the thought of something not-pizza-flavored is enticing. On the way home, the smell actually had me drooling, so I housed these suckers right when I walked in the door. My stomach is now a time bomb of gross beans, "meat", and mild sauce.
4p: Whole Bag of Pizza Goldfish: These don't taste like pizza. They taste like Goldfish. That's why they're gone in five minutes. And I'm still hungry as hell.
6p: Lunchables Pizza (1 box): Seriously, these things cost $4 and all you get are these stale-tasting...
6:09pm: Lunchables (3/4 box): Seriously, these things cost $4 and all you get are these stale-tasting bread disks that taste like a cross between pita bread and Catholic communion wafers. Cold sauce, cold cheese. I can hardly finish this. If I was a kid, I would beg my mom to let me get hot lunch instead, even on meatloaf day. But hey! Capri Sun!
Feeling at the end of day 5: Very strange. My eyes feel dried out, my thoughts are all over the place, and my stomach is in knots. I want to sleep, but can't clear my head. All I can think about is what I want to eat tomorrow. Candy sounds about right.
THE DAY AFTER
Feeling the day after: Go eff yourself.
Final weight: 206.1lbs
Overall results: I've effectively cleansed my body of most nutrients, and all I got for it is an extra pound. I feel like crap, and no longer want to eat pizza, which, I suppose, is a good thing. I'm going to go buy the biggest, most expensive juicer on the market. Wait, did I just smell Sbarro??