They start all their reviews with, "This could’ve been a 5-star review, but...”. They are unmarried because they feel they haven't met "The One" yet. They'll only go to see movies with a 99% Rotten Tomatoes Certified Fresh rating. They are not fun to be around in small groups.
The guy who owns a taco shop and talks shit about all the other taco shops
His stepdad threw him a few bucks to rent out a space in a crappy part of town. It's been mildly successful, but he knows there are better tacos down the street. He'll just never admit it to himself.
The person who didn’t understand what they were ordering and wrote a blatantly negative review because of it
Whenever their parents tried to correct them on something, they told them to shut the hell up. No one has corrected them since they were children, and now most of what they think they know is wrong.
The environmental activist
Most of his review is spent complaining about the ambiance and decor of the restaurant, because he was trying not to pay attention to the people at his table. He's not even totally sure he ate there, actually.
The person who writes a carefully worded, knowledgeable review of a bar or restaurant
Please never stop reviewing. All five of you provide an amazingly helpful service to your fellow man.
Lee Breslouer writes about food and drink for Thrillist, and uses Yelp all the damn time. Angry Yelpers can tweet hateful things to him: @LeeBreslouer.