The 20 types of Yelp reviewers
Yelp is a useful resource for anyone who wants to read a review of a bar or restaurant. More specifically, a 500-word polemic on the horrible service at that Arby's that shut down three years ago.
Whether they are an Elite Yelper or someone who prefaces their reviews with “I usually never write reviews but...”, these 20 types of reviewers are ones you'll definitely recognize. And please review this story in the comments to let us know what we missed:
The dude who can't find anything he wants to eat or drink
It's like negatively reviewing McDonald's because they don't serve Frosties. Maybe he should just go to Wendy's.
The anti-gentrification warrior
Somehow they've made an entire restaurant's review about how hipsters are invading "their" neighborhood, despite having only moved there after college, which was about three years ago. Their neighbors, who have been living in the neighborhood for 30 years, hate them.
The happy hour reviewer who shockingly only wrote about the half-priced tacos
She went with a group of co-workers from her start-up. She doesn't make much money because it's a free app and there's no revenue stream, so she's basically working on the hope that Google will buy them eventually. But hey, at least on Fridays she gets to leave work early and go drinking. SPOILER ALERT: the tacos were fine.
The first week hardass
Restaurants are like people, they don't come into the world fully formed. It takes at least a month or two for the food and service to click. But whatever, give that restaurant one star because the food took longer than you expected! They deserve it!
The New Yorkers who wrote these horrible reviews of amazing bars and restaurants
New Yorkers know everything, and they'll be the first to tell you that over and over and over and over again.
The hired gun
She replied to a Craigslist ad to write positive reviews of real restaurants she's never been to. It's better than the other time she found a job on Craigslist, where some creepy dude paid her $50 to watch her eat a bowl of soup.
The last person on Earth who does not have spell-check or auto-correct
Thee food waz thet horible, huh?
The asshole who received bad service
They don't realize that when you treat the waitstaff like sh*t, they might treat you like garbage in return. Next time, their review should include the part where they snapped to get a server's attention.
The person who starts every review with “I really want to like this place but...”
He was 10 and got Hot Wheels for his birthday, but he really wanted Nickelodeon GAK. Still, his parents were nice enough to buy him something, and he didn't want to hurt their feelings, so he fitfully played with the Hot Wheels for a second until it sunk in that he was never going to get what he wanted. He was a dick to his parents for weeks after that.
The person who prefaces every review with “I usually never write reviews but...”
Yes they f**king do.
They gave a one-star review to a bar because it had a long wait and they never made it in. This is like saying you "went to Yale" because you drove through New Haven once and saw the long line outside of Toad's Place during a Buju Banton concert.
The woman who overuses the word "hubby"
Her "hubby" is projecting his dislike of her onto the "undercooked" filet mignon. Those two once had so much promise. But things got stale, like those chocolate chip cookies she made that her hubby still hasn't tried. WHY HUBBY??! WHY?!?!
The guy who left a single review of a restaurant years ago, and never posted again
What became of you, man who was disappointed Chipotle was out of guac that one night in the summer of 2005? He probably uses Foursquare now.
The Yelp Elite
They realize they're working for free for a company worth about $5 billion, right? But they do get to go to some sweet free parties!
The authenticity police for ethnic restaurants
For someone who has never been to Thailand and is definitely not Thai, they sure do have opinions on what constitutes authentic cuisine. But hey, they did see that one Bangkok episode of No Reservations. And their best friend in middle school went to Club Med in Phuket, so they know what they're talking about.
They start all their reviews with, "This could’ve been a 5-star review, but...”. They are unmarried because they feel they haven't met "The One" yet. They'll only go to see movies with a 99% Rotten Tomatoes Certified Fresh rating. They are not fun to be around in small groups.
The guy who owns a taco shop and talks shit about all the other taco shops
His stepdad threw him a few bucks to rent out a space in a crappy part of town. It's been mildly successful, but he knows there are better tacos down the street. He'll just never admit it to himself.
The person who didn’t understand what they were ordering and wrote a blatantly negative review because of it
Whenever their parents tried to correct them on something, they told them to shut the hell up. No one has corrected them since they were children, and now most of what they think they know is wrong.
The environmental activist
Most of his review is spent complaining about the ambiance and decor of the restaurant, because he was trying not to pay attention to the people at his table. He's not even totally sure he ate there, actually.
The person who writes a carefully worded, knowledgeable review of a bar or restaurant
Please never stop reviewing. All five of you provide an amazingly helpful service to your fellow man.