Valentine's Day is the day couples flood our nation's restaurants with love and too much cologne, forcing single people back into their homes, where they'll heat up another sad microwavable meal. If you make it out on the 14th, this handy guide will help you identify the couples you'll be seeing that night.
The couple who insists on ordering all the aphrodisiac foods, because, frankly, they kind of need some sort of sexual placebo at this point. "I dunno honey, do you think 56 oysters is going to be enough?"
The couple who are older and happier than everyone else in the restaurant This ruins your self-destructive theory that all marriages are inherently doomed.
The couple judging other couples for talking "too loudly" and ruining the mood Nobody cares that you need absolutely perfect conditions for romance to bloom. You're like a football team who only plays well in a dome.
The couple who uses Valentine's Day as a referendum on whether or not they should stay together Of course you should put high expectations on the most pressure packed evening of the year. Nothing can go wrong.
The couple an hour late for their reservation who are shocked to hear their table was given away Even couples who were fighting a second ago are now bonding over their idiocy.
The couple with the guy who places his hand on his girl's hand for the entirety of the night and never seems to break eye contact You're creeping everyone out. DO YOU EVER BLINK?
The couple sitting at a four-top with another couple No one at that table's having a foursome that night, and that's just a waste.
The couple where the guy orders for his date like he's stuck in Valentine's Day 1959, and she's clearly embarrassed and may not even want the salmon. Chivalry isn't dead, but it sure is hard to watch.
The couple whose conversation is entirely about how dumb Valentine's Day is It's all a conspiracy to get you to buy greeting cards! And go out to dinner! Which is what you guys are doing.
The couple who clearly shouldn't be going out on Valentine's Day because they're not sure they're dating, but they couldn't NOT go out Watching them awkwardly interact will make you reach for a Xanax.
The couple who've been dating forever and hate one another "I saw the way you looked at that waitress. I'm not even hungry anymore." (But for real, stop flirting with the waitress.)
The couple making out at the table It's a night for romance. If you want to grope each other, wait for St. Gropius day.
The couple where the guy hasn't shown up yet He's dead meat.
The couple where the girl hasn't shown up yet She's d... usually late for things.
The couple who only uses one side of the booth What if we told you there was A WHOLE OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE you could use?!
The couple in which the girl is holding her boyfriend's you-know-what like it's no big deal to do that in public That's just generally weird. Like, your hand is right there.
The couple who orders a massive prix fixe and eats none of it There are hungry people out there who wouldn't mind going on a romantic date with that roast duck.
The couple you're a part of You guys look totally happy. And you're definitely going to make it.
The couples at every other table in the place It'll never last.
A huge special thanks to NYC's Hundred Acres, who kindly let these unlovable weirdos in for the photo shoot.
David Blend was Thrillist's original editor. These days he has his fingers in many, many pies, probably too many pies to count, but rest assured that all the pies are very fulfilling. Twitter @daveblend and you will be rewarded, but not with pie.
Lee Breslouer writes about food and drink for Thrillist, and was once in six of these couples simultaneously. Follow him on Twitter @LeeBreslouer, because you can't make a name that good up.