Food & Drink

The Worst Foods to Eat Before a New Year's Eve Kiss

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I love making out. Someone else's tongue in your mouth. Never knowing where to put your nose. The grinding of teeth together, in harmony.

OK -- I'll be honest, I've actually never made out with anyone before and have no idea what it's like. But since I'm an incredibly handsome male, I can only assume my lack of romantic interests is due to my diet, consisting solely of the 24 items listed below.

So learn from me and avoid these foods before the biggest make-out minute of the year -- 12:00:00am, January 1st.

Pickled herring

Probably anything pickled, actually. Including pickles.
 

Squid ink pasta 

You don't want to look like this guy, do you?
 

Corn on the cob

Have you ever actually watched anyone eat corn on the cob? It's disgusting and slobbery and full of little specks of corn, which are three words you do NOT want associated with your make-out approach. Unless you live in Arkansas (just kidding, Arkansas).

Tripe

Even Scottish people don't like tripe, they just eat it because they have a reputation to uphold. They don't like golf or Mel Gibson, either. It's their national shame. 
 

Ultra-Thick Molasses™ smoothie

You can't lock lips with your mouth is glued together, buddy. 
 

Drugs

If I learned anything from middle-school D.A.R.E. assemblies, it's that drugs on your breath will only convince your date you are a GRADE-A LOSER.

Poison ivy

It spreads easily. 
 

Garlic/tuna anything

Garlic/fish smell bad. You want your breath to smell good. Therefore, garlic/tuna is not conducive to having good breath. TL;DR -- no sex for you. 
 

Sauerkraut

What about the word "sauerkraut" sounds like it would be OK to eat before making out?

Liver and onions 

Remember that episode of Doug, when Doug was going to go to Patti Mayonnaise's house for dinner, and she told him they were having liver and onions? And then he ate liver and onions for every meal for the next two weeks, so that he wouldn't embarrass himself at her house, only to find out she was kidding the whole time? Yeah, there's a reason they never ended up together. Patti sucks. 
 

That burping soda from Willy Wonka 

First of all, no one likes people who burp whilst smoochin'. Secondly, this burping soda will make you levitate and fly away, so if your NYE party is on a rooftop, this could cause some serious issues with airplanes, birds, and your oxygen levels.
 

That gum from Willy Wonka 

Gum is maybe encouraged before a make-out session, but not this gum. No one likes making out with an anthropomorphic blueberry. Just kidding -- I'm kind of into that idea. 

The smelliest cheese

Great to pair with a fine pinot, bad to pair with a fine sexual conquest. 
 

Katy Perry's blue wig

She needs that to perform, you dick. 
 

Surströmming

This Scandinavian staple is made of fermented herring, which is only 300 times more gross than it sounds!

Cole Saladino/Thrillist

Fruit Roll-Ups

These are delicious, but turn your mouth an off-putting color.
 

Magic beans

No one wants to kiss someone with a beanstalk growing through their skull. 
 

A bushel of raw onions 

I know it's tempting, but don't eat dozens of raw onions before your midnight kissing session. 

Thousand-year-old egg

So this egg isn't actually 1,000 years old... but it might as well be
 

Human flesh

The first way to make your kissing partner mistrust you is having the scent of human flesh on your breath. Trust me on this one.
 

Fruitcake

Shit is gross. You don't want to be associated with it. 

Ex-Lax sandwich 

Obviously.
 

Fugu

Fugu is potentially poisonous Japanese blowfish. Can't lock lips when you're dead... right?
 

The space-time continuum

Can't lock lips if you rip the universe in half... right?

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Wil Fulton is a staff writer for Thrillist. He just ate an Ex-Lax sandwich... for fun. Follow him: @wilfulton.