The Worst Foods to Eat Before a New Year's Eve Kiss
I love making out. Someone else's tongue in your mouth. Never knowing where to put your nose. The grinding of teeth together, in harmony.
OK -- I'll be honest, I've actually never made out with anyone before and have no idea what it's like. But since I'm an incredibly handsome male, I can only assume my lack of romantic interests is due to my diet, consisting solely of the 24 items listed below.
So learn from me and avoid these foods before the biggest make-out minute of the year -- 12:00:00am, January 1st.
Pickled herringProbably anything pickled, actually. Including pickles.
Squid ink pastaYou don't want to look like this guy, do you?
Corn on the cobHave you ever actually watched anyone eat corn on the cob? It's disgusting and slobbery and full of little specks of corn, which are three words you do NOT want associated with your make-out approach. Unless you live in Arkansas (just kidding, Arkansas).
TripeEven Scottish people don't like tripe, they just eat it because they have a reputation to uphold. They don't like golf or Mel Gibson, either. It's their national shame.
Ultra-Thick Molasses™ smoothieYou can't lock lips with your mouth is glued together, buddy.
DrugsIf I learned anything from middle-school D.A.R.E. assemblies, it's that drugs on your breath will only convince your date you are a GRADE-A LOSER.
Poison ivyIt spreads easily.
Garlic/tuna anythingGarlic/fish smell bad. You want your breath to smell good. Therefore, garlic/tuna is not conducive to having good breath. TL;DR -- no sex for you.
SauerkrautWhat about the word "sauerkraut" sounds like it would be OK to eat before making out?
Liver and onionsRemember that episode of Doug, when Doug was going to go to Patti Mayonnaise's house for dinner, and she told him they were having liver and onions? And then he ate liver and onions for every meal for the next two weeks, so that he wouldn't embarrass himself at her house, only to find out she was kidding the whole time? Yeah, there's a reason they never ended up together. Patti sucks.
That burping soda from Willy WonkaFirst of all, no one likes people who burp whilst smoochin'. Secondly, this burping soda will make you levitate and fly away, so if your NYE party is on a rooftop, this could cause some serious issues with airplanes, birds, and your oxygen levels.
That gum from Willy WonkaGum is maybe encouraged before a make-out session, but not this gum. No one likes making out with an anthropomorphic blueberry. Just kidding -- I'm kind of into that idea.
The smelliest cheeseGreat to pair with a fine pinot, bad to pair with a fine sexual conquest.
Katy Perry's blue wigShe needs that to perform, you dick.
SurströmmingThis Scandinavian staple is made of fermented herring, which is only 300 times more gross than it sounds!
Fruit Roll-UpsThese are delicious, but turn your mouth an off-putting color.
Magic beansNo one wants to kiss someone with a beanstalk growing through their skull.
A bushel of raw onionsI know it's tempting, but don't eat dozens of raw onions before your midnight kissing session.
Thousand-year-old eggSo this egg isn't actually 1,000 years old... but it might as well be.
Human fleshThe first way to make your kissing partner mistrust you is having the scent of human flesh on your breath. Trust me on this one.
FruitcakeShit is gross. You don't want to be associated with it.
FuguFugu is potentially poisonous Japanese blowfish. Can't lock lips when you're dead... right?
The space-time continuumCan't lock lips if you rip the universe in half... right?
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