But seriously, you must miss bacon.
"I didn't actually eat a ton of bacon. I was more of a sausage guy. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (I mean that I preferred sausage to bacon when I was a meat-eater.) But of course, there were things that I used to eat that I no longer enjoy, but I still eat things that I enjoy. From reading studies about the science of happiness, I understand that most people have something like a maximum that can't be exceeded. Like, parents with one child aren't half as happy as they would be with two children. So, me enjoying food the way I do now makes me just as happy as enjoying food I used to enjoy, if not more. But if you want to think that I'm less happy eating the way I do, you're welcome to do that. I hope it helps you reach the top of your happiness range."
What DO you eat? I mean, how do you stay alive? Like, how do you get your protein?
"I'm actually more interested in how you stay alive. There's a lot of food out there, and I would say most of it isn't meat. Lists of superfoods and other real nutritional powerhouses always include quinoa, hummus, kale, other green things, lots of berries, etc. So I feel like if you don't have access to this information, the real question is 'how do you get your everything-that's-not-protein?'"
Hey, you don't have to be mean about it. Why are vegetarians always such jerks about it?
"They're not! I was only being a jerk here for fun. I thought we were having fun together! What, you got your feelings hurt? What are you, a vegan? With feelings? (Full disclosure: the author is a vegan with feelings.)"
Why do vegans always have to tell people they're vegan?
"Good question! This is the subject of lots of jokes (or at least one joke that people tell a lot) and, more to the point, faulty logic. Why do vegans always tell people they're vegan? Well, you're looking at a skewed sample, because obviously the ones that are telling you are, but you're assuming that everyone who doesn't tell you they're vegan necessarily isn't a vegan. And that's not true. There are plenty of vegans and vegetarians out there who are just going about their business and not getting in people's faces about what they're eating and why -- they're just living their lives. In fact, you could be surrounded by calm, stealth vegans right now. And don't worry! They're not going to kill and eat you like ninja carnivores would."
Myq Kaplan has a new comedy special that's not named after vegetables or meat. It's called Small, Dork, and Handsome and will be available for streaming on Netflix on May 15th.