Things You Should Never, Ever Do in a Restaurant

Refuse to tip

Even anti-tipping evangelists concede that there's simply no present alternative to gratuity.
 

Compare food negatively to another restaurant

Comparing every sexual experience to a threesome is a surefire way to ruin a lifetime of future sex, and the same goes for judging every entree against its ideal. There may be no way to forget the brisket of a lifetime, but waxing on about how another barbecue joint is better only makes everyone's meal taste worse.
 

Stand in the servers' way

Restaurants make money by placing tables in a room. People sit at those tables to eat food. Thus it stands to reason that a restaurant will cram in as many tables as possible, leaving their servers with razor-thin pathways to navigate while holding trays of scalding food. Hovering in between tables like a human parking cone disrupts the flow of service and is just one of many things that will make your server hate you.

Apologize for ordering a burger

Sometime in recent history the food gods decreed that every restaurant shalt offer a burger as the lowest-hanging meat fruit on the menu tree. There's no shame in choosing it over a carefully composed small plate, so order with pride.
 

Let a dog or a child run wild

Leashes and babysitters were invented for a reason.
 

Make bizarre off-menu requests

Moms happily cut the crusts off sandwiches or put pizza toppings on bagels, but don't expect a restaurant chef to do the same. (Reasonable substitutions are probably OK though.)

Blindly shake salt and pepper onto an entree

There is no reason to automatically unleash a cloud of seasonings over food cooked by a professional.
 

Ask for a phone charger

Finite phone battery life is a modern dilemma that the ghost of Steve Jobs will fix by the year 2020. In the meantime, this precious resource will always be fleeting, but a restaurant is not a charging kiosk. It's not the server's job to guard your phone. Instead, follow these tips to get the most out of a charge.
 

Talk on the phone for more than 30 seconds

Adults need to answer phone calls, but they don't need to talk to have a detailed discussion of the local effects of El Nino within earshot of 100 people. Excuse yourself entirely or keep the conversation quick. 

Touch a server

Making physical contact is one way a server will endear a customer to them and thus milk an extra few percentage points on a tip, but that subtle shoulder brush is a one-way street. Any self-respecting adult knows that personal space is a right, not a privilege.
 

Order a well-done steak

Every time a steak is ordered well done, the state of California cries a tear for the thousands of gallons of water it took to raise a perfectly marbled, horribly charred cut of beef. 

Sit down without the approval of a host

Just like there are rights of way on the road, restaurants have systems set up to control the flow into the restaurant. Consider the hostess stand a red light that you shouldn't run without police permission.
 

Stick gum under the table

Sure, most gum only keeps its flavor for two minutes, but that's no excuse to make a stalactite out of a piece of Trident.

Order dessert after the restaurant has closed

Everyone ends up closing out a restaurant on occasion, but that piece of chocolate cake is not worth making a crew of five people stay on the clock for an extra half-hour. No one wants to be at work longer than necessary.
 

Forget to tell servers about allergies

Life is precious and nuts are in everything.

Roll in on Valentine's Day without a reservation

This is the easiest way not to get laid on Valentine's Day.
 

Speak while chewing

Words do not travel effectively through masticated shreds of duck confit.

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Dan Gentile is a staff writer at Thrillist. He is uncertain of his adulthood status and is sure that Internet commenters agree. Follow him to child's play at @Dannosphere.