Broke-Ass College Students
Because they're crammed with four other sleep-starved Snapchat addicts in a dorm room the size of a jail cell, the only available cooking implement around is a microwave oven. Their food budget each week is approximately $15. That luckily buys three whole frozen meals from TJ's! Those frozen concoctions have enough salt and fat to keep them alive on the nights they don't house 40 half-price wings at the campus dive bar.
My mom, too. If your mom lives within a 50-mile radius of a Trader Joe's, she shops there. She'll bring home snacks you never knew existed, because moms have a sixth sense for what you'll want to eat when you visit home. If your mom is anything like my mom, all those snacks will probably be from this list.
The Demon Spawn
She's adorable with her bow-legged baby steps, pushing that miniature cart around the store… and right into your damn Achilles tendon. Does TJ's sell branded painkillers?
The Fearless Flyer
This old lady is way too busy looking at the store’s weekly ad to pay attention to where her cart is going. When the Demon Spawn grows up, she becomes this woman.
The Woman in the Sample Line Who Apparently Used to Play Hockey
You let her hunched-over stature fool you, and you paid the price. She body-checked you for a bullshit cracker with mediocre room-temperature cheese on it. You'll be sore for days, but ultimately? Worth it. Free cheese is free cheese.
The Stress Ball
Anyone clearly hating the fact that no aisle is labeled while rubbing their Achilles because of that gosh dang kid in aisle… what aisle was it again?!