"But guy writing on the internet," you say while simultaneously composing 140 threatening characters to me on Twitter. "If you don't like it, don't go. Also, kill yourself. TTYL #eatadick."
And you know what? You're right. If I don't like eating theses terrible knockoff snacks, I can march my ass down the street to get my junk food. If I don't want to endure crowds of people who have convinced themselves that a microwave burrito is magically healthy because TJ's shipped it in from a warehouse of mysterious origins, I don't need to be there. Maybe I should eat a dick! (Side note: Do they make off-brand dicks for me to eat at TJ's?)
But I will return. I will remain in my loop and eat those bony-ass nuggets and house the poorly dusted Doritos substitutes. I will buy the stupid plastic-wrapped tomatoes and the rocket-shaped fake Goldfish. And, let's be honest, I will basically snort cookie butter.
Because my daughter loves it. She houses the fish nuggets with a vigor that most toddlers reserve for boogers and Play-Doh. She loves the knockoff crackers. She's milk sensitive and will only drink TJ's-brand soy milk before a nap. When we roll in there, there's a little baby cart that she loves to push (into other people's ankles). She's a TJ's cult member before age 2, and I'm too worn out and lazy to just go to two stores like an adult.