We tried Papa John's new "Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie", and were bitterly disappointed

Like anyone who loves garlic sauce and America, we were stoked when we heard about Papa John's new Mega Chocolate Chip Cookie, an enormous, Mrs. Fields-ian slab of delicious cookie goodness sliced and (seemingly) sized like an actual 'za that costs just $6, or $5 with a pizza. A crazy cheap cookie cake that can be delivered right to our door? YOU'RE THE BEST PAPA EVER, JOHN. With bated breath we placed an online order for one, plus a large cheese pizza for comparison, and also eating. The 30min delivery time was long and cruel, but we kept ourselves going by staring at this low-res photo of a cookie on a goddamn pizza oven shovel.

Papa John's mega chocolate chip cookie ad

Then finally, the moment had arrived. A delivery man strode through our door, whipped our boxes out of his Velcroed bag, and allowed us to feast our eyes...

...On this.

Coping with the mega chocolate chip cookie in the flesh was pretty similar to the five-stage grief process. First, there was denial. (No, no this can't be right. Did the Internet goof up our mega cookie with some dumb old supersized one?) Next, there was a lot of anger. (Well what the hell is this SORRY EXCUSE FOR A COOKIE, PAPA? We take back our preemptive Father's Day macaroni mural.) We tried our hand at bargaining. (Maybe if we catch the delivery guy and show him that photo of the cookie on a shovel, he can talk to his bosses and set us up with something that can feed more than just two sad people.)

Briefly, we slid into depression. (Screw it, what's the point? Look at how much smaller that thing is than an actual pizza. Life is meaningless.) But finally we reached acceptance. (Eh, the size is a letdown. Let's try this sucker anyway.)

To raise the stakes on this utterly low-stakes dessert, we decided to take a slice of this cookie aberration, put it on top of a slice of the cheese pizza, and feed it to our editorial assistant. Because we're kind-hearted souls.

Of course, we couldn't bypass Papa John's famous garlic sauce and dunked both slices in a generous helping of the stuff.

The verdict on the pizza-cookie-sauce combo? "Actually not terrible". It should be noted that moments later, our EA amended his statement to, "I really regret that, but it had to be done". Still, as of this writing he is alive and (mostly) well.

After a few more people braved the sad foil pan housing the "mega" chocolate chip cookie, we reached a consensus on the main attraction. The cookie itself was pretty unmemorable, but not intestine-destroying. On par with Tollhouse, and several rungs below Mrs. Field's. To be fair, it is only $5 with a pizza, so you get what you pay for. But friends, just like the Alamo or The Titans, let us always remember that lying-ass pizza shovel.