Trader Joe’s Frozen Key Lime Pie
Your uncle went to jail for a crime he didn’t commit, and, while there, read every single Hemingway book available. Once he was released, he moved down to the Keys and worked for a time as a bartender, mixing up daiquiris Hemingway-style, until a man provoked him by saying Hemingway’s prose was “a bit too sparse”. Now he’s in jail for a crime he did commit.
Cold Pressed Yellow/Green/Red Juice
You’re thinking of investing in a CrossFit gym with one of your buddies from college, but you need to see “the specs” before you put any capital down. You’ve never actually done CrossFit.
Fresh Mozzarella Log
You went to a small liberal arts school in Vermont and own one Patagonia, one Marmot, and one Arc'teryx fleece. You have two dogs, and both of them are chocolate labs. You drive a Jeep Cherokee. Weirdly, you went through a pretty intense emo stage in high school.
Light Vanilla Ice Cream
You’re the type of person that, when people ask what your dream job would be if you could do anything, thinks for a really, really long time, and then says, “I dunno.”
Joe’s Diner Mac & Cheese
You were a good guitar player in high school. Like, really good. Like, you could’ve maybe done something with it if you pursued it. You’re not even bragging, this is just the truth. Ask anyone from Danvers High class of ’97, and they’ll say the same. “Oh, old Andy Kryza? He could’ve been in Pearl Jam,” they’ll say. You would even prove it right now, but you can’t find your guitar. You think you left it in your buddy's car. 11 years ago.