6. Maca Powder (9:40pm)
Supposed Effects: Peruvians use it to increase energy, stamina, virility, and vitality
I always make it brazenly clear that I don’t take illicit substances. I’m not a drugs guy, I hate having fun, and all of Bret Easton Ellis’s books make me antsy. However, the idea of filling my nose with a powder that has been known to increase one’s sex drive was too good to pass up.
Maca is the Ryan Gosling of the plant world. It wakes you up, pumps you up, and makes you go: “Hello, world; I will bone you now.” My particular bottle recommended putting a small amount into a protein shake or cookie batter. However, I cut to the chase by hiding myself in a bathroom stall at NYC’s Beauty Bar and doing a little bump off my fist.
It felt like 1982, I assume. I was getting more and more energetic and light-headed from the combination of the sexual tonic, the Bacopa herb, and now the maca. It smelled like bread-farts and burned my nose. I kept noticing little waves of pleasure every time my package brushed up against a solid object.
Results: This makes your heart race like a son of a bitch, but legitimately turns you from a regular person into a vicious horn-dog.