Everyone needs food to survive, but only a small, sometimes-shameless segment of the population needs Whole Foods to survive. You probably call this group “upper middle-class white people,” and that’s probably accurate. But beyond that monolith of near-certain alabastrousness, Whole Foods’ loyal patrons have all sorts of subtypes -- and even if you didn’t realize it at the time, you’ve definitely encountered all of ‘em.
So if you find yourself wandering the aisles of your local store in search of the “right” quinoa salad to pair with your rustic spaghetti squash, take a look around. These are the people you’ll see at every Whole Foods.
The "Whole Paycheck" Joker
"The thing is, the place is called Whole Foods, see? But the food costs so much, I think it should really be called... hello? Guys? Is anyone even listening to me?"
The Neophyte Who Wandered In By Accident
Thinking it's just like Publix, this poor doddering soul will circumnavigate the entire place looking for a brand they recognize. When they inevitably fail, they will slowly trace their steps back out, then just buy that Count Chocula from Walgreens.