And I know many people might say ballpark mustard is not the real stuff, but adding a bit of honey or spice or beer is really just a waste of those ingredients. The mustard will still taste like mustard, which makes anything you put it on taste like it's been sitting out in the sun all day and been licked by a hungry stray dog that would have a tough time choosing between a pile of mustard and its own excrement.
Sure, you might say, "why don't you just quit whining and wipe the default mustard off your food, you handsome food vigilante?!?", but much like its sour partner in burger ruination, the pickle
, mustard contaminates anything it touches, even if you very carefully use a napkin to wipe it off a burger bun or a hot dog or the gagging inside of your mouth while silently screaming in horror.
Every so often, I do
give mustard another chance to see if my taste buds have devolved into a state that would embarrass my former self. The last time I tried this, I nearly vomited. It was on top of a bratwurst that had gummi bears in it
. And it was the mustard that was the disgusting part.
And lastly, every time I play Clue
, I know EXACTLY WHO THE MURDERER IS, and there's no way I'm letting that killer into my candlestick-, wrench-, lead pipe-, knife-, and rope-filled kitchen. I'd rather see you in hell, Colonel.