Anyway, on our staff, we have a wildly talented millennial writer named Wil Fulton. Wil has done millennial things (used the Internet in Cuba, cut onions), and working with him is a joy in my life. Except when Wil weighed in with these ridiculous thoughts on cereal. My comments are italicized:
Cereal isn't popular with millennials because:
WF: It's very expensive.
KA: Wait. What? You can buy a 28oz box of Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries on Walmart.com for $4.16 and that gives you 25 servings. That’s 17 cents per serving. Factor in milk, which comes to about 50 cents per serving, and you've got a 67-cent breakfast each day, for an entire month. Also, Amazon gives away cereal for free!
WF: It's very bad for you.
KA: So yes, it's true that a cup of Honey Smacks actually has more sugar than a Hostess Twinkie, but that's just the sugar cereals. There are hundreds of healthy cereal lines out now. Special K has a quinoa cereal. Wheaties only have 4g of sugar per serving PLUS you get a box that features a famous athlete, like long-track speed skater Joey Cheek!
WF: Most adults never ate cereal as grown-ass people if they didn't have kids, and millennials are having kids way later than any other generation.
KA: I've read this many times and still don’t quite understand it. I guess the argument is you only really eat cereal as an adult if you have kids, and since millennials are too busy crashing Zipcars into EDM festivals to have children, they're not eating cereal. Since there's no way to logically refute an illogical statement, I will just move on.
WF: People are skipping breakfast, anyway.
WF: They discontinued Waffle Crisp then brought it back but it wasn't the same.
KA: Dammit, I also can't argue with this.
As a serious cereal proponent, I could sit here and make my own version of cereal-numbered clocks, and speak to the intrinsic satisfaction one experiences when taking down ice-cold milk mixed with crunchy flakes. Or the glory of that last sip of sugar-laden post-cereal milk. I could speak to the time-bending nostalgia I experience when opening a box of Christmas Crunch, bringing me back to the time I found my grandfather swearing and drinking gin while trying to build my GI Joe Mobile Command Center on Christmas Eve as I came down for a late-night bowl. But the truth is, I kind of think this cereal crisis is a good thing.
For one, there are too many damn cereals now. Each franchise (say, Special K) has 10 or so iterations, and even those have iterations. There are 16 types of Cheerios, dammit!! Do you think the market is that segmented that it calls for a Cheerios aimed at people who enjoy a very specific type of South American dessert (dulce de leche)? I think a culling of expansion excess is about time, frankly.
Second, I honestly believe that everything could change if cereal would just look better in photos. Look at this one I took of the cereal I’m eating right now: