Maryland: Stuffed ham
Americans have a proud tradition of stuffing foods into other foods -- look no further than your Thanksgiving turkey for evidence. But something about this particular incarnation, which looks a whole lot weirder than it sounds, just doesn't sit right. Particularly popular in Southern Maryland, the stuffed ham consists of a corned ham (brined, not smoked) that's deboned, hacked at a bit more to open up stuffin' space, filled up with greens (kale and cabbage are common choices), wrapped in cheesecloth, and boiled. The result: a boiled ham that looks like it's erupted in cracks with some dark green phlegmatic disorder. Once sliced up, it's just a plate of ham 'n greens, but surely there are tastier, less frightening-looking ways to achieve this flavor combo?
Massachusetts: Marshmallow Fluff
In ye olde New England, classics are typically gut-sticking dishes with hardscrabble roots: Boston baked beans, creamy clam chowdah. Hell, even scrod -- which sounds like the wet bunch in Sully's nether regions five hours after the packy run -- is young, tender fish. But in Marshmallow Fluff -- a creepy white substance with connections to neither land nor sea -- Massachusetts salutes its all-processed American destiny: Literal tubs of the stuff, blindingly white and strangely shiny, are the apex of lab "food." Fittingly, the sandwich named for this sticky white stuff, fluffernutter, could be confused with insider-speak for a porn warm-up. Spackle it on white bread with peanut butter -- two other processed foodstuffs with enough sugar to kill a small deer -- and you've got yourself a straight, sweet shot to diabetes.