The Most Annoying Things About Vegetarians, According to One
It's a cruel world out there for vegetarians. Food options are often limited, and it's exhausting feeling holier than thou nearly every waking hour of the day!
Truth be told, I'm a pescatarian, but I'm still quite well-versed in the ways vegheads piss off the other team. Hell, I'm even guilty of them myself. From trying to convert the so-called heathens to announcing our meat-free life to the world, these are the most annoying things about vegetarians, according to me.
We like to pretend we're easy to feed
First off, we’re needy as hell. And the worst part? We love to pretend we’re not. “Oh, don’t worry about me, I’m easy,” we say at every dinner/BBQ/gathering at which there is food. But you best bet I’m silently cursing you in my head for forcing me to “just eat all the sides.”
You want to go to that new German restaurant for your birthday dinner? We'll say something like, “I mean, yeah, sounds good, I just hope there’s something I can eat there, but I’m sure it’ll be fine! But you know all they serve is sausage, right?” And we’ll show up to your birthday party, but not before attending a pity party for ourselves first.
Then, at the party, we'll drop passive-aggressive lines like, “Why do Germans eat so much meat?! But really, I’m SO fine sustaining myself on sauerkraut and soft pretzels. You just enjoy your wurst, birthday boy!!” We’re selfless, I tell you, SELFLESS.
We find it necessary to tell the world we don't eat meat
And don’t worry, you’ll never have to wonder about our dietary restrictions, because we will always make sure to tell you. We’re just considerate like that. Sure, you didn’t ask why I’m only taking the fries and not the chicken nuggets at the free office lunch, but I know you’re obviously wondering, so I might as well let you know that I “don’t eat that stuff.”
And if you detect an air of pride in that statement, well, it’s because there is one. You think me telling you how I don’t eat animals is a time for subtlety? Think again, bro. We relish the moments where we can reveal our moral superiority. And hey, I’m not saying we shouldn’t be proud of our choice because, look, we should be really damn proud.
We're "healthier" than you
Ignore this deep-fried portobello stuffed with cheese that I’m eating while talking to you about my nutritional superiority: the calorie count is automatically lower simply because it is not an actual burger. And didn’t you know that a plate of cheese fries is approximately 12x better for you than five slices of bacon?
This is your brain on veg. Sure, some of us are kale-loving folk who frolic amongst chia seeds and kneel at the altar of organic, cage-free quinoa, but I'm pretty sure most of us would rather hit up that vegan eatery for breaded, country-fried seitan with ranch on Texas toast. And if you think that clocks in at fewer calories than, say, a grilled chicken sammie, well, you have an even worse grasp on "health" and "calories" than I do. Which is a feat, considering I struggle to understand the meaning and importance of either. None of this really matters in the end, though, because the fact that we get our protein from peas instead of pork will trump everything, always.
We make everyone feel guilty about eating meat
How have I not yet asked you to Google Image a photo of a teacup pig while you eat that pulled pork sandwich? That must be a record amount of time. You know we're not going to sit in silence while you go to town on a rare-ass steak, because our comment about that cow "taking its last moo" is wholly important and will obviously make you drop your knife and rethink your entire life. This is annoying vegetarian logic.
Advocacy is extremely important -- so important that we need all of our family, friends, and perfect strangers at nearby restaurant tables to be reminded of it while eating. Sure, you have the Internet and are most likely aware of vegetarianism, but how can we be sure? The only way is to nonchalantly mention the blood-like nature of your burger, naturally.
Want to put an end to said annoying vegetarian logic? Next time we try to roast you like the suckling pig you're eating, please remind us that vegetarianism is a personal choice to improve our overall health or make ourselves morally comfortable. And then you can return to your pulled pork because you don’t want to save the world from surefire disaster.