34 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to a Restaurant Server
Servers hear a lot of the same stuff from customers over and over and over. It’s inevitable that since the framework of our interactions with customers is the same, people are going to overlap each other. And that’s fine; it’s not like being asked to recite the specials or hearing “hi!” ever gets annoying. But there are certain things customers can say that are, in fact, EXTREMELY annoying -- especially when you have to hear them repeatedly from the same type of annoying assholes. Don't be a terrible stereotype in a restaurant. Start by scrubbing these (alarmingly common) phrases from your vocabulary.
“The customer is always right!”
This isn't going to end well, is it?
“There's no price on this. DOES THAT MEAN IT'S FREE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”Of all the dad jokes out there, this is the worst one.
“Is this the [insert entree or beverage here]?”No, genius, the spaghetti is actually a taco.
“My food is too hot.”So wait two minutes and thermodynamics will take care of it.
"I better be nice or you'll spit in my food.”We don’t do this.
“Why don’t you smile more?!”Because I have to deal with you.
"We'll tip you better if you don't put the automatic gratuity on the check."Hell no, I’m not falling for this again.
"Come on, hook me up!"I don’t even know you!
"I'm going to leave you a real good tip.”No one who has ever said this has ever left a good tip.
*to a bartender* “Make it strong!”The charge isn’t for glass rental!
*in response to a friendly "hello" from the server* “Water.”I’m sorry, is this your first time interacting with other humans?
“What's your real job?”We’re not all struggling actors, broheim.
“Do you guys have napkins?”Are... are there restaurants that don’t?
“Can you turn the AC up/down?”I’m just going to say yes, not do it, and let the placebo effect do its work.
“Can I just get water with extra lemon and some more sugars?”Just pay for the lemonade, you cheap son of a bitch.
*at dinner* “Can we still get the lunch specials?”NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
“Is the food good here?”You do realize my entire income depends on saying “yes” to this, right?
“What do you mean, the substitution is extra?!”You are literally the devil.
“Got a new cook back there?”Well, shit, there goes my tip.
“If this Coke runs out *taps glass* you don’t get a tip.”
There is a hell underneath hell specifically for you.