The bargain shoppers
Makes homemade (free) lemonade out of lemon slices, sugar packets, and water. Will attempt to make complimentary bread/nachos/rice serve as 90% of their meal. Will demand constant refills on all of the above, because clearly they’re more important than all of your actual paying customers. Will attempt to return any entree on made-up bullshit grounds just to get it taken off the check. Restaurant won’t throw them out because “the customer is always right,” and because these assholes would immediately complain to corporate and you know those idiot desk jockey chucklefucks would take THEIR side in a heartbeat. ALWAYS a group (usually a family) -- never, ever travels solo. Tip? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
My maternal grandmother
Is from the Old Country. Has 50 questions for the server about a dozen different menu items, none of which she will wind up ordering. Calls food by the wrong names (mixes up “meatloaf” and “burgers” as well as “roast beef” and “pot roast”) and then gets annoyed when the hapless server doesn’t know what she actually MEANT (also continues to call the food by the wrong names no matter how many times you point this out to her). No matter what she gets or how many Michelin stars the food deserves, insists “I make better,” despite the fact she very, VERY much does NOT make better and once served family guests a lime Jell-O mold with tuna fish floating in it because she’d heard of aspic but hadn’t fully understood the concept. Has very strong opinions about food like sushi because she “doesn’t believe in raw fish,” despite the fact you’ve regularly seen her eat lox, which is close enough that she doesn’t have a leg to stand on in this argument (don’t @ me). Possibly says something vaguely racist in a stage whisper during the meal. Has literally no concept of irony. Her family loves her but would rather have ocular surgery sans anesthetic than go out to eat with her if it can possibly be avoided.