Unlike those oft-robed, underworld-loving chanters, Seitan worshippers are into something seemingly far more terrifying: fake meat. But fear not, young carnivore, because this 100% plant-based eatery (where everything's under 10 bucks!) has perfected their housemade non-meats to such a degree that you might not even care that the “bacon” on your “cheeseburger” isn't actively trying to stop your heart. The corned beef-approximating “Native Reuben Seitan” pictured above is piled high with housemade sauerkraut, Native Horseradish Cheese, and Russian dressing. These roasted corn & basil polenta bites are done up with Native Cheese, which doesn't contain any dairy, a fact that seems completely nuts. Especially since it's made from cashews, sunflower seeds, and other nuts. Boldly approximating slabs of meaty goodness, the Bistro Steak Sandwich has seared Native Seitan Steak topped with oven-roasted tomatoes, crispy shallots, arugula, and blue “cheese” dressing. Because fish are people too or something, they're stuffing the Baja Blackened Tacos with soy-based tempeh, guac, and chipotle surfer sauce. Continuing the noble, anti-British tradition of keeping pies humane, even the apple pie's buttery crust is made without the benefit of mammalian assistance, unless you count the seitanists in the back.
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