Foodie phone sex with a delicious happy ending

So many films attest to the erotic power of food, from Mickey Rourke spoon-feeding Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks, to whatever scene caused people to sit through Like Water for Chocolate. Now sending culinary eroticism over your phone lines and into your kitchen, Tonya Jone Miller.

An accomplished performer, playwright, and independent phone-sex operator who goes into every call "hoping to orgasm, because it's naturally better that way", Miller's also the foodie behind toque-in-cheek website Chef Crush; now she's merging her worlds to offer over-the-phone talk-throughs of practical, date- (and holiday-) friendly recipes, spicing things up with as much teasing, heavy-breathing, moaning, and dirty talk as you can handle without your Pépin experiencing premature e-Jacques-ulation. Below are her three starter recipes, plus the ingredients needed to pull them off:

Bananas Foster: Barely legal ripe bananas, brown sugar, butter, cinnamon, a pint of quality vanilla bean ice cream, and your choice of rum, whiskey, or brandy, for a dessert so delicious your girlfriend will forget all about what you did last summer.

Bacon-Stuffed Mushrooms: Button mushrooms, an onion, breadcrumbs or potato chips, garlic powder, cream cheese, and optional jalapeno or serrano peppers, which despite this being a sexy process, do not go well with pork.

Dill Roasted Salmon: Nothing but butter, a lemon or lime, fresh dill, and a pink, not-fishy-smelling salmon fillet. As a tease, Tonya offers this sample dialogue: "See, if I were there with you, I'd be on my knees [doing some awesome stuff] while you were doing all this prep. Then when you put the salmon in the oven, you could just [do the even awesomer stuff that follows the preceding stuff], and by the time I [apparently you're pretty good at sex] a couple of times, it would be done. But I guess you better set a timer..."

Because she'll be working out the kinks on you, TJM is discounting her standard rates up to 25% or more, depending on how many courses you choose, and how long it takes you to tame your Wild Orchid.