Behold, The Elixir of Life Cocktail That Will Make You Live Forever

In the U.S., only .0177 percent of the population lives past 100 years. And we’re pretty sure every single one of them has been asked by a journalist about their “secret” to a long life. Since every one of them has been doing something their whole life, it logically follows that by mimicking that behavior we can extend our lives too. That’s just physics.

Gertrude Weaver from Arkansas, for example, attributed her long life to simply being a kind person. Jessie Gallan, 109, who lives in Aberdeen, Scotland, thanks the lack of men in her life for her good health. New Yorker Duranord Veillard, 108, does five to seven pushups every morning.

We’re not much for being kind, avoiding men or doing exercise here at Supercall, but luckily for us, most other centenarians attribute their longevity to a food or drink. Because we are geniuses, we compiled those ingredients and created a single cocktail from them that will make you live forever.

Behold, the elixir of life. We trust you will use its power for good.

Ingredient One: Miller High Life

Agnes Fenton from New Jersey drinks three Miller High Lifes a day, per her doctor’s orders. She clearly has a cooler doctor than Elizabeth Sullivan.

The modest 110-year-old doesn’t think anything of her age, shrugging off her most recent birthday as “just another day” to her. You go, Agnes. Bring on the beer.

Ingredient Two: Dr. Pepper

“Every doctor that sees me says [Dr. Pepper will] kill you, but they die and I don’t. So there must be a mistake somewhere,” says Elizabeth Sullivan, a 104-year-old Texan who drank the stuff daily for her entire life, according to CBSDFW.

We were pretty sure we’d need all 23 of Dr. Pepper’s flavors to get the proper puissance in our cocktail. We broke into Dr. Pepper’s headquarters and stole the secret formula, but then we got tired and didn’t source any of them. Turns out they’re all already in every can of Dr. Pepper. INTO THE ELIXIR WITH YOU.

Ingredient Three: A Drop of Whiskey

Grace Jones of Worcestershire, England doesn’t consider herself a drinker, per se, yet she has a drop of whiskey every night before bed. She claims she feels as good today as she did in her 60s. She turned 109 last September. We’re sold. Except for that whole “drop” part. We are aiming for immortality here, better splash in a bunch.

Ingredient Four: Gin

Mabel Jackson drank six Gin & Tonics a day, “two at lunchtime, one at tea time with a biscuit and then three more during the evening while I do my knitting.” To save you the math, that’s approximately 4,264 bottles of gin. We have a feeling we’d get along with Mabel.
We assumed that it was the gin that gave Mabel’s G&Ts their power, because assuming is what scientists do. In it goes.

Final Ingredient: Sushi Garnish

We’re no strangers to putting sushi in cocktails here at Supercall. What can we say? Sometimes we don’t even know we’re doing science.

Misao Okawa turned 117 last March and credits her long life to sleep and sushi. So we’re garnishing our drink with a sushi roll. No need to get fancy, just drop ‘em in.

And there you have it. It’s a simple formula: gin + whiskey + Dr. Pepper + Miller High Life + sushi roll = immortality. We’ve been having two a day for the last few weeks and we feel fantastic.

Some have made fun of our methods, saying things like “that’s stupid,” “you people are dangerous,” and “why does it smell like Dr. Pepper and fish in here?” All we have to say is cynics never changed the world. We’ll see who’s laughing when the 23rd Century rolls around.