An ancient local history that really isn't

They say those who forget history are doomed to repeat it, and everyone knows there's no worse fate than watching reruns of Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy. For history you never had a chance to forget, because it never really happened, take a gander at Ancient Portland.

The 140-character-at-a-time baby of a local art history prof, Ancient creates a totally false, often hilarious history incorporating actual Portland landmarks and public figures in hopes of mining the city's "little understood Dark Ages, when Greshamites, Vancouverites, Beavertonians and other barbaric semi-nomadic groups battled on Portland's periphery", which they still do, but only for parking spots at the outlet mall. Some choice discoveries of a forgotten timeline include:

1 BC "Experts say toppled column on the N. side of Pioneer Square is from ancient basilica mentioned by Pliny. Critics argue it looks really 80s", proving that acid wash jeans can bring anything down.

600 AD "Dale IV, Medieval king of Gresham, insisted that Sasquatch semen was an elixir of life. Many Greshamite knights died trying to attain it", presumably by baiting him with a little jerky.

1200 AD Explaining the yearly Rose Fest pageant, Ancient claims the heresy-quashing ritual began in 1243 when "Portland's feared Order of Royal Rosarians selects two virgins every year for a humiliating ritual," which's known these days as "dating".

1300 AD "A resident of Portland's Hawthorne District recorded in his 1348 journal that the Black Death 'doth dispiteously harsh my Mellow", though you can thank him for siring an entire tribe of people asking for change before he died.

Ancient also covers sometimes non-Portland related "Fun Facts", like Starbucks scones being created in 1712 to kill rats on a merchant ship, and also has plans to one day install a series of informative plaques around town documenting the alternate past, which'd be totally cool as long as he can mange to Get 'Er Done.