Capable of making you the greatest mole since that thing on Aaron Neville's forehead, How To Archer is a self-help guide purportedly written by the animated main character of the FX show created by ATLien Adam Reed. Inside you'll find all sorts of drink recipes, translated phrases ("I am a secret agent. Would you like to have sex with me?"... in 16 languages!), and general tips on how to live like a spy from the self-described "world's greatest secret agent", adding up to 172 pages of Archer on:
His weapon of choice: the Walther PPK
"Chambered for the .32 ACP cartridge, my Walther has a magazine capacity of seven rounds, plus one in the chamber. And if whatever you're shooting doesn't die after you pump eight 32-caliber slugs into it, it's probably a dragon".
Wilderness survival: read books that aren’t this book
"I'm sure anything with 'wilderness' or 'survival' or any combination of those two words in the title will be perfectly fine for what you're trying to do. Which is apparently starve to death in a forest".
Alcohol: get that vodka out of your martini, pansy
“A martini is made with gin. If your martini is made with vodka, it is not, in fact, a martini. And odds are that you have a vagina".
Getting dinner reservations anywhere: just say you're Steve Miller
"Because as far as you or anybody else knows, Steve Miller is a big blue space-horse with a mane made out of orange space flames. But everybody loves him".
Being ladylike: it's all about courteousness
"If you feel the need to pass wind -- which, after an intense session of my style of lovemaking, you probably will -- please do so through a dryer sheet; you will find some in the nightstand".