11 Ways Austin is Trying to Kill You
Sure, you probably THINK Austin is your friend. Remember that one time you were hungry and Austin gave you breakfast tacos? That was pretty cool. But tread carefully, because just when you think you're safe, Austin might be secretly trying to murder you. In multiple ways...
1. The yearly return of SXSW
The token "big festival" in most cities lasts maybe a few days, tops. SXSW is a whopping nine days packed full of parties that don't end, booze that doesn't stop flowing, and sleep that... doesn't so much happen. Every year it seems to take a slightly bigger toll.
2. The traffic on I-35 and beyond
You know when you've had a long day at work and you just want to be home as soon as possible and then I-35 decides to swoop in and crush your dreams one slow-moving inch at a time? Yeah, that's not good for your health. Just because the thing about the engineer who designed it committing suicide is an urban legend doesn't mean it isn't hazardous to you.
3. Rogue bicyclists
Being environmentally friendly is all well and good, but... how do we put this delicately... some bicyclists are just straight-up reckless a**holes. When you weave through traffic like you're on some nimble two-wheeled tank, it can have serious repercussions for the cars swerving to avoid you -- you know, assuming they aren't reduced to idling on account of number two on this list.
4. UT sports
Viewing of Longhorn football and basketball is not recommended for the faint of heart. Golf is probably okay. Or is it?
5. Summer's unrelenting glare
Pro tip: just hide out in a deep freezer from now until November.
6. Town Lake
Trying to combat number five? Well, while swimming in Town Lake is prohibited, kayaking, canoeing, and stand-up paddle boarding are fair game... provided you don't fall in and discover the underwater wonderland of jagged concrete and rebar just waiting to tear you to shreds.
7. Juan in a Million's Don Juan El Taco Grande
This is not the friendly breakfast taco mentioned above. It's a calorie-packed tempting of fate. At least they close daily at 3pm... unrestricted access to this beast of a breakfast-y creation could have disastrous implications.
8. Pretty much everything at Gourdough's
Gourdough's pushes its massive donuts topped with savory ingredients like bacon, fried chicken, brownies, fudge, and peanut butter like some deliciously legal street drug, and Austin is powerless against their siren song.
9. The rent is too damn... you know the rest
Austin is approaching the point where it's a choice between rent and groceries... not to mention the gas bill during summer price hikes. Man cannot survive on cheap beer alone, yet man cannot survive without cheap beer. It's a conundrum.
10. Sixth Street
They don’t call it "Dirty Sixth" for nothing. Be smart. Wrap it up.
11. The overwhelming abundance of barbecue
While it sounds like vegan propaganda, both charred meat and the smoke produced while grilling have been linked to cancer. Then again, there are worse ways to go, right?
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