Lifestyle

Austin's Weirdest Business Names: A Conversation

Sometimes when it's cold out, one goes a little stir crazy. So when the Yellow Pages was delivered (WHY?), instead of immediately tossing it into the recycling bin, I decided to flip through, and noticed there are some funny (funny-weird, not funny-haha... well maybe sometimes funny-haha) businesses here in Austin. Then my boyfriend and I talked about them. Here's what happened:

Anastacia Uriegas

Wizard Castle Dragon Tattoo Studio

Anastacia: Nobody gets wizards or castles or dragons anymore, just birds and penny-farthing bikes. We’ve gone soft. 
Boyfriend: I think this place should add "Lightning Bolt" to their name too, you can’t have wizards without lightning bolts. 
Anastacia: One time I saw a Harley with an airbrushed wizard/lightning scene; the thing that struck me was that the wizard wasn’t wearing a cloak and that he was really ripped.
 

BookWoman

Anastacia: Isn’t that the name of the bookstore from Portlandia?
 

Assassin Pest Control

Boyfriend: That doesn’t fill me with confidence. I want Genocide Pest Control. Taking out just one bug does me no good.
 

Brass Ovaries

Boyfriend: I’m going to Google it... whoa.
 

Evil Wiener

Boyfriend: Is that really a name? What do they do?
Anastacia: My guess is a subversive hot dog stand, but it would be cooler if it was a Satanic nude male dancer troupe. 
Boyfriend: They could dance to Journey. 
Anastacia: Journey is not Satanic. 
Boyfriend: Oh.

Dress Barn

Boyfriend: Is it... an actual barn? Is it an Amish clothing store?
Anastacia: No, it’s next to TJ MAXX.
 

Little Dudes Learning Center

Boyfriend: Is this for future bros? 
Anastacia: Maybe the owner just finished watching Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure?
Boyfriend: Party on, dudes! 
Anastacia: Yeah, party on with that learning and napping. What else do kids do in daycare?
Boyfriend: Throw up.
 

Something More Dating Service

Anastacia: We imagine they still do VHS interviews, like Love Connection.
Boyfriend: It sounds like a dating service for people who have creepy secrets.
Anastacia: Like bodies in the basement?
Boyfriend: No, like they have a 33rd tooth.
Anastacia: How do you know how many teeth we have?
Boyfriend: We have a 2-1-2-3 dental formula on each side of our mouth, duh.
 

Drip n Rip Vapes

Boyfriend: That name is about as uncool as vaping.
 

El Secreto de La Abuela

Anastacia: This translates to "My Grandmother’s Secret." What do you think her secret is?
Boyfriend: My grandmother’s secret was shingles. 
Anastacia: Gross. I was thinking hidden treasure or an affair.
Boyfriend: The secret is probably just extra lard in the tortillas. 
 

Little Guys Movers

Boyfriend: You know that little people have a lower center of gravity, so they’re probably really good movers.
Anastacia: Good to know.

Taco Baby

Boyfriend: If you google "Taco Baby," you get a photo of a baby wearing a taco costume.
Anastacia: What kind of taco is it wearing?
Boyfriend: It looks like a crispy taco with green paper lettuce and orange felt cheese. 
Anastacia: Mmmm... orange felt cheese. 
 

AAA Amigo Vasquez Bail Bond

Boyfriend: So, he’s first in the phone book and in your heart. 
Anastacia: Why in your heart?
Boyfriend: Because, "amigo."
 

Hottie Tan

Anastacia: Omygod, someone has to answer the phone there. "Hottie Tan, Ashleigh speaking... Hottie Tan, Ashleigh speaking... Hottie Tan, Ashleigh speaking..."
Boyfriend: If I worked there, I would answer, "Hottie Tan, where tanning is our passion. How may we tan you today, Hottie?"
Anastacia: Adding "hottie" at the end of your greeting is creepy, creepier than being passionate about tanning.
 

T Nail

Anastacia: I wonder, what does the "T" stand for? Toe? 
Boyfriend: Yeah, like if you go in and want your finger nails done, they send you away. Also, "nail" is singular so they might just do one of your toes.
Anastacia: "T Nail is our name, and one toe is our game!" I may try to sell that slogan to them. 
 

Kids-N-Cats Unique Gifts

Boyfriend: That’s a cynical name, like they didn’t even care.
Anastacia: Right? Like, "Dogs-N-Giggles."
Boyfriend: Or "Wizard Dragon Castle Tattoo."

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