Dude doesn't have to <em>Scream</em> anymore

The teen-psycho-next-door is the hardest pigeonhole to escape, but between playing an apologetic homewrecker in The Descendants, moonlighting as a Vancouver Film School prof, and taking to the theatrical stage, Matthew Lillard's proven he's more than She's All That. In anticipation of the SXSW premiere of his directorial debut -- an adaptation of the young-adult novel Fat Kid Rules the World -- he (and his three children) graciously chatted with us about everything from an upcoming role alongside Eastwood to the time he saw Angelina's hoo-hoos.

Besides Fat Kid, are you a big reader of young-adult lit?
Yes, because it doesn't have big words and I very rarely have to use a dictionary. Also, most of the time it's about sex.

In Hackers, how did it feel to be in the same movie as Angelina Jolie's breasts?
Pretty amazing. I'll never forget meeting them the first time. They're both very kind, and round. The scene where she takes off her top, she did it in a closed set. They shot our reverse of it, so we fake acted seeing her boobs. Then we did the master shot, and unbeknownst to anyone she actually took her top off, and it was the single greatest moment of my acting career.

(unintelligible noise

Sorry, I'm playing basketball with my 3yr-old and he wants to jump up on the table to dunk

Do you have an all-time least favorite role?
No, they're all my children, all ugly and fat.

(son Liam in the background) I'm not ugly and fat

No, you're cute and skinny

(daughter Addison in the background) Are you ugly and fat

No, Daddy's not ugly and fat either. I'm doing an interview, you're interrupting me, don't you know I'm a star

Did he thank God after the game?
No, but maybe he should have earlier, because I won.
There was a tweet recently about you playing Mafia against Tim Tebow. What's up with that?
Is that when I got humblebragged? The douchiest moment of my entire celebrity career? Yes. All-time low? Yes. I will honestly say, I was just excited. He was incredibly competitive, but the nicest guy around.
Are you doing any intense preparation for the project you're doing with Clint Eastwood?
I've got pictures of him strewn all over the house, and anytime I make eye contact with him I scowl until he blinks.
So, you won't answer whether Shaggy's really a stoner.
No comment. Let's just call that the blue period of Matthew Lillard's life. You're trying to ruin my indie cred! How am I gonna look Zooey Deschanel in the eye when I'm in Austin.
On the Scooby Doo front...
No comment.
It might surprise a lot of readers that you've done a ton of theater in addition to film. How does on-stage compare to on-camera?
It's the single greatest experience an actor can have. It's like being a rock star and playing on a stage in front of people, or being a studio musician. Both are good jobs, but one fills you with energy.
They don't know you're a star.
No, they could care less, bro. That's the truth.
Are your kids coming with you to Austin?
No, I have every intention of being drunk most of the time. If you see me, just pat me on the ass and send me home.
Are you training him to be any type of prodigy?
He's been doing steroids for six months. He's pretty yolked.
Done. How did the Descendants role come about?
Luck. It was the single luckiest role of my life. I walked into the audition and said there's no way I'm ever gonna play this guy. The director asked why, and I said because look at my face. I'm not the guy that sleeps with George Clooney's wife. Obviously, Alexander Payne likes a challenge. It was the best role of my life.
Which of the characters you've played has reminded you the most of yourself?
Probably Brian Speer in The Descendants, because every time I look at George Clooney's ladies they fall in love with me. Please add that that's the dumbest answer I've ever given in any interview ever.
If you had a band, what would you name it, and how much of a crap would you give about what people thought of your music?
I would never be in a band because I'm musically handicapped. But if I was in a band, I'd play something that makes me look awesome and really cool to mothers with children. My whole goal would be to inspire my wife to think that I'm hot again.
What do you think's going to surprise people most about this movie?
That Mike McCready of Pearl Jam did the music -- he's as kick-ass a guy as he is a musician.
You've said that you were a chubby kid yourself. Did you ever feel the urge to join a homeless punk band like the movie's 296lb protagonist?
I never had the urge to do anything other than eat Doritos.