Lifestyle

The 99 problems with Austin

Austin isn't perfect. It has its problems. In fact, like certain entertainment moguls, it has 99 of them. From unfathomable heat to unfathomable BBQ wait times, here's a comprehensive list of literally every Austin problem.

1. "COEXIST" stickers
2. Bros invading your favorite cocktail bar on weekends
3. #atxlife
4. The lighting at Randall's
5. Watching a movie at Alamo Drafthouse requires purchasing tickets three days in advance
6. BRAIN FREEZE!
7. Restaurants that charge for chips and salsa
8. Guero's
9. Dudes in flip-flops
10. Panhandlers who "just need a beer"
11. Corner store is out of Pearl Snap
12. Valley girl accents
13. The line at Franklin BBQ
14. The meat sweats after Franklin BBQ
15. Jukebox abuse
16. Our "zoo" is depressing
17. Getting to Nerd Nite late and having to stand the whole time
18. Guy playing Skrillex loudly on his Beats by Dre Pill while eating lunch on Whole Foods' patio
19. People who say "like", like a lot
20. Getting tricked into going to Esther's Follies
21. Human Growth Hormone (HGH) 
22. 22 year olds with a better job than you
23. Torchy's Tacos are too big to eat as many as you'd like
24. People who vape “very choco-cherry” scented foot-long e-cigs indoors
25. Forgetting your bags at HEB
26. Deciding between eating at a food truck or eating in air conditioning 
27. Festival wristbands that cost a third of your rent
28. TOMS
29. June through November
30. "I'm from Dallas"
31. Girls who order Moscow Mules
32. Guys who order Moscow Mules
33. Tamale House East is closed on Mondays

34. Having to hang out on South Congress because your family is in town
35. Eminem and Pearl Jam headlining ACL this year
36. Having to stalk someone for their parking spot
37. lululemon
38. Beard groupies
39. Round Rock-ians posing as Austinites
40. People who refer to Austin as "The ATX"
41. Tourists
42. Mom-jorts
43. Dirty Sixth
44. Almost stepping in puke/ horse poop on Dirty Sixth
45. Crippling addictions to Via 313
46. Jesse James
47. Waiting 45 minutes to eat brunch anywhere
48. The taxi company monopoly
49. Toll roads… specifically those tickets they mail you
50. David Komie, the attorney that doesn't rock
51. The Oasis on Lake Travis
52. The prison cafeteria-quality food they try to pass off at the Oasis on Lake Travis
53. Transplants who complain about too many people moving here
54. East 5th behind Yellow Jacket being a two-way street
55. (Non-) availability of Garrison Brothers and Balcones whiskeys.
56. What to do with your wallet at Barton Springs
57. Three-hour parking limits
58. Condos
59. Your neighbors' band always practicing at the least convenient times
60. The packs of stray dogs roaming around Pleasant Valley
61. Not enough secret swimming spots to go around
62. EDM kids
63. Thrift stores only have Gap clothes from like, two years ago
64. Your HEB is always out of kale
65. Post-Sunday Funday hangover
66. Waiting FOREVER for the Alamo Drafthouse on South Lamar to reopen

67. Bachelorette parties
68. No karaoke places South of Airport and Lamar
69. Taxis all smell like crayons
70. Bats get more attention than our transportation system
71. Seeing people from Tinder out in public when you look like crap
72. Party buses
73. Trying to get to work during SXSW
74. Exorbitant rent if you want to live five miles or less from Downtown
75. Patio misters just making the problem worse
76. Car2Go gets all the good parking
77. Taggers
78. The Metropolis apartment complex on East Oltorf
79. No lotto machine at Whole Foods #gottabeinittowinit
80. People who vandalize local businesses
81. Wig parties
82. Grouchy bus drivers
83. "THIS Bloody Mary is missing a slider"
84. Traffic. On Mopac. At 2:14pm. On a Wednesday. 
85. Tourists who hang out at Cedar Street Courtyard
86. Locals who hang out at Cedar Street Courtyard
87. MetroRail has a very limited line
88. TStv
89. No professional sports team
90. The Bob Marley murals
91. Romeo Rose
92. Cedar Fever
93. No Chinatown
94. Even crappy cover bands get free health insurance
95. People with bad tattoos who think they have good tattoos
96. The Airbnb police
97. Bloggers
98. Interstate 35
99. Occasional flurries