Not sure what to check out at this year's Austin Film Festival? Consult this handy guide, and you'll be so sure, you'll actually be able to raise your hands without fear of sweaty armpits, but don't do that because you'll block the view of the guy behind you. But still, this is a really helpful resource:
Just Like: Thelma and Louise meets Clerks meets braiiiiinnnssss
Best Accolade: "The Empire Strikes Back of zombie road comedies!" -- some guy from some news outlet you've never heard of
Entry: Austin High
Just Like: Dazed and Confused, if McConaughey were the principal
Best Accolade: Dog the Bounty Hunter makes an appearance -- so basically, he thought the script was so good that it was worth it for him to let every dangerous un-incarcerated criminal in America run wild during filming
Just Like: John Mellencamp's Falling from Grace, except this guy is a roadie, and doesn't have a hot wife, and his hometown is Queens instead of "Doak City, Indiana"
Best Accolade: Jury Prize for Best Feature at the Stony Brook Film Festival, though if you can't get out of jury duty, are you really equipped to assess cinematic value?
Film: Push: Madison vs. Madison
Just Like: Hoosiers, except real and focusing on an inner-city Boston team whose greatest opponent is... their self! selves! themselves?
Best Accolade: Best Doc at the Roxbury Int'l Film Festival, where not every film gets such an approving, Kattanian nod
Just Like: David Duchovny's life after the truth about his sex addiction got out there
Best Accolade: Star Michael Fassbender won the Venice Film Fest's Best Actor "Volpi Cup", which in the 30s was called the "Great Gold Medal of the National Fascist Association for Entertainment" (who said fascists were all about efficiency?)
Film: Ecstasy of Order: The Tetris Masters
Just Like: The King of Kong, minus the monkeys, plus a perpetually looped version of "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
Best Accolade: None yet as it hasn't been screened, but it was responsible for spurring a bunch of blockheads to organize the first Tetris World Championship in 20 years