The 99 Problems With Berlin

Published On 03/17/2015 Published On 03/17/2015

While most of the city's residents (and even the occasional US president) are proud to call themselves Berliners, they'd also be the first to admit that it's not without its faults. Berlin has problems. In fact, it has precisely 99 of them...

1. Hipsters here make hipsters in other cities look normal
2. Dogs poop, as far as the eye can see
3. English television poorly dubbed into German
4. Berghain’s door policy (just ask Felix Da Housecat)
5. Coming out of bars reeking like an ashtray
6. So much paperwork, all the time, for everything
7. Seeing people in the sauna that you should never, ever see naked

Flickr/Martin Abegglen

8. U-Bahn delays
9. If you live in Neukölln, you never leave Neukölln
10. Crappy furniture just lying on the street
11. Along with cigarette butts, broken glass, and sometimes the odd vomit puddle
12. Ausländerbehörde
13. Aggressive honkers
14. Gentrifiers
15. Gentrifiers who complain about gentrification
16. Foreigners who complain about the influx of foreigners
17. Germany’s highest poverty rate since reunification
19. Stores and supermarkets closing on Sundays
20. Paying with a credit card is seriously impossible

Flickr/Rae Allen

21. Cyclists: secretly immune to traffic laws
22. Burgeramt
23. Finanzamt
24. Just all the Amts
25. Blocked videos on YouTube (thank you, GEMA)
26. BVG controllers
27. Being the 27th person to look at an apartment
28. Or auditioning to live in a WG
29. Or getting an apartment from an agency and paying twice your monthly rent in commission
30. Slow pedestrian traffic lights
31. BVG ticket machines that spit out new bills
32. Line-ups at Pfand machines
33. Installing your own kitchen


34. Shady drug dealers in Görlitzer Park
35. Shortage of affordable housing
36. ... as more multi-million dollar luxury flats are being built
37. How hard it is to find a well-paying job
38. Everyone who claims to be a "DJ"
39. These amazing murals were painted over
40. Crappy restaurant service
41. Berliner Schnauze
42. We share the city with wild boars 
43. Yuppy parents in Prenzlauer Berg
44. Teufelsberg has become a tourist attraction

Flickr/underdutchskies (edited)

45. Those ugly pink pipes
46. Massive staircases, and never an elevator
47. Spreepark is also now government-owned, with no clear future in sight
48. People who say Berlin is the new Brooklyn
49. People who compare Berlin to New York in general
50. Winter is super depressing
51. And so is the rain
52. Thai food that’s not really Thai
53. Waiting in line for an hour at a nightclub... only to get rejected
54. Then subsequent obsession over why that rejection took place

Flickr/duncan c

55. Seriously bad graffiti
56. Trying to get a taxi after a 24-hour shift at Berghain
57. Realizing you smoked 50 cigarettes in that 24-hour shift
58. Berlin’s new mayor is just not as cool as his predecessor
59. Lousy bike thieves
60. Club closures
61. David Hasselhoff (Kidding! The Hoff is NEVER a problem.)
62. How filthy Kreuzberg is after May Day
63. The new BER airport will always be at least two years away

Flickr/City Clock Magazine (edited)

64. Over-ripe fruits and vegetables at Turkish supermarkets
65. Cycling over cobblestones
66. This season’s flu epidemic
67. Not to mention, the measles outbreak
68. Döner kebab shops that sell frankly questionable meat
69. Trying to take the right exit out of Kotti
70. Paying to use the toilet at a mall
71. Kreuzberg's cannabis café isn't open yet
72. Understanding the bewildering German tax system
73. Enduring brutally untalented buskers on the train
74. Interning at some crappy tech startup
75. And no, you will not be getting paid


76. Family’s in town, and you’re going to Checkpoint Charlie and the TV Tower
77. Silvester is a sh*t show (especially in Neukölln)
78. Sorting out mandatory health insurance
79. Paying for the showers at McFIT
80. The traffic in Mitte
81. Road construction that takes months (Karl-Marx StraĂźe, anyone?)
82. Getting fined for cycling on the pavement
83. No tangible solution yet for the refugee crisis
84. People who are overassertive with their vegan values
85. Bio being so expensive
86. The windshield washers at Kottbusser Tor who demand payment rather aggressively
87. Is it really so hard to open that second till, Lidl?
88. Buying from Primark because you’re broke, then feeling guilty

Flickr/Martijn van Exel

89. Spätis could start closing at 10pm... oh dear God, could you imagine?
90. How impossible it is to every get anything on Free Your Stuff Berlin
91. People who respond in English when you speak to them in German
92. Secondhand clothing stores that are stupidly expensive (yes, we get that it’s “vintage”)
93. Renovating an Altbauwohnung
94. Creepy fluorescent lighting in the U-Bahn
95. Open airs getting broken up by police
96. When Call A Pizza delivery takes 1.5 hours on a Sunday
97. The Love Parade is no longer
98. Club Mate jitters
99. Really bad Mexican food



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