To honor City Rivalry Week -- that very special one week out of the year when we get to celebrate why our particular city is so much better than any other one -- we've decided to turn our attention to our neighbors to the Southwest, NYC, so we can better inform and educate them on just a few of the myriad reasons why we're so damn superior. To wit:
During the Revolutionary War, your city housed 30,000 British sailors and soldiers -- all anchored around, ew, Staten Island -- and you nearly got George Washington captured. Meanwhile, in case you didn't know, WE CREATED THIS WHOLE AMERICAN REVOLUTION THING.
You know what a New York accent is? It's like a Boston accent, if you took out your vocal chords, rolled them around in sharp glass and gravel, and then sent them to live platonically with 1993 Marisa Tomei.
Our clam chowder is delicious, world-famous, and has been around since the 1700s. Manhattan-style clam chowder was invented in the 1930s while people were in a Great Depression, and is essentially tomato soup with clams in it. Even Rhode Island clam chowder kicks your chowder's ass, and it's coming from Rhode Island.
NY has the Jersey Shore, and the Hamptons, where rich cheesy people literally build giant mansions and nightclubs out by the ocean just to replicate their city experience. We've got Cape Cod, which is shaped like a salty, storm-weathered strongman flexing his nautically tattooed bicep, as well as the rich man's Cape Cod (Nantucket) and some other small island where the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES VACATIONS. Plus, in seventh grade, I almost Frenched a girl from Lexington on the Flying Horses despite being freaked out by their terrifyingly real horse hair. That seemed like an important addition to this argument.
Yours take down high-priced hookers, call themselves weird nicknames, and sext people online, even after saying that they're sorry that they sexted people online. Ours just mumble adorably unintelligible things and use sweet, food-related sports metaphors, such as: “Much like a cookie, I predict the Yankee dynasty will crumble, and the results will be delicious for Red Sox fans."
Okay, fine. NY has won 47 major professional sports championships. BUT, that makes sense. You're the biggest city in the US, you've got nearly double the amount of teams playing for your city (seven: Yankees, Mets, Knicks, Nets, Jets, Giants, and Rangers) to our four (Sox, Pats, Celtics, Bruins), and, meanwhile, we've won the second most (34), and we're the 21st biggest city in the US. We're still dominating, and we're even smaller than the narco-trafficking paradise of El Paso! And, while we're piling on a bit, neither of your football teams play their home games in your state, and you've never even known what it's like to drink from the cup of glory that is winning a Major League Lacrosse championship.
The Big Apple, huh? Apparently because of your "prominence in horse racing" in the 1920s. So, you're basically like a giant thing that a horse wants to eat. Or, if that isn't sexy enough, maybe you'd prefer the City That Never Sleeps, a nickname that essentially serves as an advertisement for symptoms of anti-anxiety drug withdrawal. Meanwhile, we'll take The Hub (of the universe), The Cradle of Liberty, or The Athens of America. Though, we're willing to hear offers for "The Walking City".
Ours, Cambridge, is an international hub of technological innovation, houses two of the best colleges in the country, has six sweet squares (well, five, plus Lechmere) and at least one Cosi. Yours, Brooklyn, has a bunch of Skidmore and Vassar grads in ironic dad jeans and trilby hats hand-pickling Swiss chard and starting alt-third wave ska bands with electroclash sensibilities. And: NO F-ING COSI'S!
Matt mother%^&$ing Damon.
Yes, we know your bars close at 4a, whereas ours shut down around 1:45a. Well, here's a little known fact: nothing good has EVER happened between the hours of 2-4a in a bar. I think, when the Puritans created those blue laws, they were actually just trying to save us from getting in bar fights and sexing extremely mediocre-looking people.
Because some things don't require any explanation.
If you've got more reasons why Boston kicks NY's ass, let's hear about 'em in the comments below.