Since the idea of going on a Duck boat tour is daffy, scrooge the incessant quacking in favor of piloting your own rig with Boston Harbor Mini Speed Boats. Launching next month but accepting reservations as your eyes move over these words, this guided tour-meets-"monitored boat rental" is from a dude who grew up boating the waters of Lake Winnipesaukee (hold it down, Big Beaver Island!) and generously lets you channel your inner Sonny Crockett by taking the helm of what may as well be a floating, two-seat go-kart.
Here's what to expect on your 90min nautical adventure:
The Equipment: Their eight St. Martin F-13 speedsters are Coast-Guard-inspected/ mother-approved and boast a sleek 13ft fiberglass V-shaped hull, 30 HP of giddy-up, and a slick radar arch that hopefully is totally unnecessary.
The Training: Since you don't actually need a license to drive one of these bad boys, stop studying for that road test, and just listen to a brief but enlightening safety class (remember: Red, Right, Return!). From there, don your hilarious speed boating cap and spend some time tooling around the no-wake zone, free from fear that Tim Wakefield will jump on the bow of your boat and hit you in the face with a 64mph fastball.
The Mission: Once your training is complete, you'll stretch your new sea legs as you follow a guide (three boats per tour, tops) on a quest to check out historical sites that stretch as far south as the JFK Library and include Fort Independence, Nantucket Lightship, the Harbor Islands, and the USS Constitution, whose cannons no longer work, so don't even worry about ducking.