12. Guy that shows up late on a packed rush-hour platform and worms his way to the front by the time the train arrives WTF? Where did you come from? Are you some sort of professionally trained line-cutting ninja? We've all been standing here for 20min. We're drenched in sweat. And now the doors are closing on us while we try to squeeze into that last sliver of… oh, man, my bag is stuck. No, please: after you.
11. Group you can't get around because they're sprawled out across the entire platform Unless we're mistaken and we've accidentally stumbled upon a football game taking place in the Park St station, we'd really appreciate if you'd MOVE TO ONE SIDE so we can try and transfer and catch our ride ho-- nope, now we missed it. By the way, how is your first semester at BU going?
10. Family of tourists who're struggling to figure out the Charlie Card machine As easy as it is to curse them under your breath, do our city right and take a few minutes to show them how it works. Then curse them under your breath.
9. Couple who parks their double-wide stroller directly in front of the train doors Actually, it doesn't even have to be a double-wide. Any stroller will do. Or bicycle, or giant roller bag, or crate of locally sourced corn you bought at the Copley Square farmers market. Whatever. If you have a baby, or are on your way to Logan, or are just en route to recycle a shopping cart full of aluminum cans, ask yourself: "Is my giant object blocking the f*ck#ng aisle?" If the answer is yes, MOVE IT.
8. Nervous guy behind you who's trying to push his way off the train despite the fact that you're also getting out Settle down there, Speedy McSpeederson, we're all going in the same direction here. No one is going to tie you up and leave you trapped on the Orange Line for the night. You're going to make it to your softball game just fine. Calm down.
7. Obnoxious college kids headed home after a night of drinking Having just experienced a rip-roaring night of not getting into the Pour House, students from [insert your choice of college here] want to make sure the entire T car knows how hilarious it was. Guess you had to be there. And to think we were all once this annoying.
6. Anyone riding the Green Line to a Red Sox game If Dante was alive today and writing The Inferno while living in Boston, the Green Line during Red Sox season would be his worst Circle of Hell.
5. "Hey, look at me, I'm wearing a giant backpack in the middle of a crowded train!" guy And I love to turn around. And around. And around. I hope I don't miss my flight to the Netherlands.
4. Dude who waits until the doors have been open for half an hour before jumping up from the middle of the car to scamper off the train Listen, man, we get that you're totally enthralled with The Cuckoo's Calling (spoiler alert: it's the same woman who wrote Harry Potter!), but the train's been stopped for, like, ever. Pay attention.
3. Guys who refuse to offer their seats to the elderly, infirm, pregnant, etc. Have we really reached a point in civilization where quickly glancing down at your iPhone and pretending not to see the pregnant woman with a broken leg hobbling in on crutches has replaced any semblance of chivalry? Really? Are you, per chance, also going to the Red Sox game?
2. That guy who keeps trying to fight me And everyone else. Stop it. I swear, I wasn't even looking at your girlfriend's Shawn Thornton poster.
1. Guy inside the train who's standing in front of the doors but won't briefly step out to let people off Hands down the most egregious offender on the T, as his behavior directly calls into question everything we know about cognitive science and man's ability to reason. Since no one has yet figured out a way for humans to pass through other humans, if the doors open and you don't budge, you are in essence broadcasting to the entire world that you are the stupidest human on the face of the planet.