Most card games just aren't targeted at you: Bridge is for the elderly, Uno is for kids, and Magic is for those incapable of ever having them. For one finally matching your shocking snark: Cards Against Humanity.
Just created by a couple of high school compadres looking to spice up an NYE party, CAH is basically Apples to Apples "for horrible people", with that game's innocuous prompts replaced by ones running from mildly cynical to downright shameful, or what David Duchovny calls "impressive range". The gameplay's as easy as it is despicable: each player is dealt ten white answer cards, one of which they anonymously pair with a black question card at the start of every round, after which the rotating "Card Czar" chooses which answer fills in the blank most hilariously/twistedly, and awards its owner an "Awesome Point", which must use, like, three fingers or something. The totally leading, totally evil questions range from "The US has begun air dropping __ to the children of Afghanistan" to "What's the Crustiest?", with pair-able answer cards like Christopher Walken, Making Sex at Her, Nocturnal Emissions, Lumberjack Fantasies, and Smallpox Blankets, which clearly isn't the correct answer to that first question, as they'd technically be "Smallpox Afghans".
Though the game's not actually in production yet, it's available now for preorder, or you can construct your own deck by downloading the cards for free and cutting them out yourself, meaning ironically, they've also perfectly targeted your most elderly quality: a reluctance to waste any paper.