A list of the best places to poop in a pinch Downtown? Sure, why not. A list of the eight best must-poop-in public bathrooms in all of Chicago, though? Now we're talkin'. With help from Australian toilet connoisseur Dan Schaumann, whose Toilography blog documents bathrooms the world over, we assembled this veritable Chicago bathroom bucket list, with everything from skyline views, to naughty wallpaper, to the best bar graffiti around.
(Men's room only) If you've ever wanted the feeling of BM'ing behind the mirror of a police interrogation room (that's normal), Streeter's has you covered. Or something. Above the trough urinal is a one-way mirror where you can see all the action inside the bar.
The modern art aesthetic extends to the washrooms as you enter through an airlock door (!) into a tiny wash closet decked with indie rock posters. The door can be tricky -- so know that it works like a darkroom, where you stand in the cylinder and rotate the walls around you to gain passage.
(Women's room only) Poo with a view of the city inside the lounge level of the Hancock Center above the conservatory. Whether the Chicago skyline puts you in a relaxed state or doing the Tilt shook something loose, enjoy a privilege the men's washroom doesn't afford.
Having a dive bar so firmly entrenched in hipster territory does make for some masterful stall graffiti. In between bands or comics, abscond to the restroom for entertaining scrawlings ("your love is like a river, stinky and polluted" ). Bonus points for packing your own Sharpie.
Alicia Keys sung it best with "This Toilet's on Fire" (pretty sure those are the lyrics). Such is the case in the House of Blues "engulfed in flames" bathroom, where even if your favorite way-past-their-prime '90s band is stinking up the joint, you can too.
Only in Dusek's basement bar can you tip back dainty punch cups, house a pot of fondue, and then spew your extraneous thoughts on a chalkboard in the bathroom. Maybe keep your Picamon(?!) feelings to yourself, though.
There's a beautiful symmetry to dropping logs inside a log cabin-themed bar. Inside the restroom you'll be surrounded by thousands of pennies epoxied onto the walls, guaranteeing you'll always have a view of Abe Lincoln, America's greatest president, struck down just before flush toilets came over to the United States. This one's for you Abe.
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Sean Cooley is Thrillist's Chicago Editor and he's making a Spotify playlist for Alicia Keys "This Toilet's on Fire". Follow him on Twitter @SeanCooley.
1. Streeter's Tavern50 E Chicago, Chicago
2. Ruxbin Kitchen851 N Ashland, Chicago
3. The Signature Room at the 95th875 N Michigan Ave, Chicago
4. Cole's2338 N Milwaukee Ave, Chicago
5. House of Blues Chicago329 N Dearborn St, Chicago
6. Dusek's1227 W 18th St, Chicago
7. Homeslice938 W Webster Ave, Chicago
Escape the madness of the Mag Mile at the self-proclaimed "Greatest Bar Below Earth", whose ample basement-style entertainment includes pool, foosball, and a drinking-games-friendly ping pong table, and whose ample winter warmers include Rumple Minze'd cocoa, though don't tell your woman you were getting boozed up with some Swiss Miss.
Ruxbin's a funky 38-seat BYOB bistro reclaiming everything from old church pew booths, to vintage cookbooks to line the walls, to a glass wall pulled from the DJ booth of the defunct Sonotheque that now divides the dining room.
This fancy schmancy bar and restaurant on the 95th floor of the John Hancock Center boasts panoramic city views through massive floor-to-ceiling windows. The Signature Room is probably Chicago's most jaw-dropping location for drinks, but beware: the prices are steep. It doesn't really matter what you order -- be it a martini and high-end tater tots or champagne and a seafood tower because after all, you're there for the ambience.
Cole's is a down-home dive serving up cheap brews, great tunes, and a stellar crowd.
Opened in 1996, House of Blues is a concert venue/brunch spot in Marina City. Go for the Sunday Gospel Brunch, and stay for the plentiful booze selection.
Helmed by Longman & Eagle's Jared Wentworth, this Michelin-starred restaurant in Pilsen serves upscale American pub food. Dusek's takes everything you love and makes it better, whether that's cooking French fries in beef fat or topping a juicy hamburger with bacon marmalade and serving it on a house-baked pretzel bun. There are more than two dozen beers on tap -- some are from Chicago, others are from abroad -- and daily beer specials. The late-night menu serves the aforementioned burger and fries until 1am every night.
Homeslice is a retro log cabin pizzeria boasting 30 signature thin crust pies made with six base sauces (BBQ, ranch, spinach ricotta... ). The interior is incredibly rustic, with 400 pounds of exposed Douglas Fir tree beams that Oregon natives imported from the Northwest.