Everyone in Chicago seems to be using Tinder these days. Everyone except, well, me. So, I decided to download Tinder, tossed my soul into a nearby trashcan, and proceeded to ask 100 women where they’d like to go out on a date. Here’s what happened:
The vast majority of women did not respond
Hey, I’m a decent-looking guy. OR SO I THOUGHT. It’s a numbers game though, right? Riiiiiiiight?
I thought "Where should we go on our first date?" was an easy question. Guess I was wrong.
A whopping 25% of respondents totally laughed off the question, or responded with another question. Do I LOOK like Alex Trebek? No, no I dont. Wait... do I? For real though, someone tell me if I look like Alex Trebek.
Four women actually liked how straightforward I was
Getting a date because I’ve caught someone off guard may actually be a viable strategy. I’ll take it.
23 women actually had a solid, specific idea for a date
Hey 23% isn’t bad! While suggestions such as a sword-fighting class, skydiving, or a round of golf seem a bit ambitious for a first date, I definitely appreciated the gumption. Beercades were a popular suggestion, and I also liked the suggestion of sneaking a flask into the movies. Because I do that anyways. Because I’m reprehensible.
One woman messed up my name and then basically signed me up for a job interview
Uhhhhhh, I’m punctual?
14 women got suckered into a date (theoretically), but were vague about plans
"Any place where we’ll have fun," is just a t-ball stand answer that I will knock out of the park by suggesting we drink a six pack in an alley while thinking up awesome names for cats. Well, at least I’ll have fun.
12 women immediately punted and wanted me to decide
One even managed to sneak in a pretty solid boom by pointing out that I’m "male and older." Thanks for reminding me. I guess I’ll leave the wheelchair at home.
There were definitely some jokesters out there
Some of the funniest suggestions that ladies replied with: Alinea, the barbershop (another solid burn), Outback Steakhouse, and Jurassic Park (“clever girl”).
12 women apparently use Tinder to score free vacations and Blackhawks playoff tickets
Mexico, Hawaii, Paris (twice), Vegas (twice), Greece (twice), the moon, Thailand, and Brazil are all ridiculous suggestions -- but perhaps the most delusional of them all is Blackhawks playoff tickets. Lady, you might actually have better luck getting to the moon.
One woman wanted to go on a manhunt
I’m not sure what a Time Lord is, but it doesn’t sound like someone I want to mess with.
One woman pointed out that we'd already been on a date
OOPS. Backing slowly out of this room.
One woman wanted to get straight down to business
Wait, isn’t this supposed to be a hookup app? Shouldn’t this happen more than once out of 100 attempts? GREAT. You'll find me coping with this realization at the local Chinese buffet.
One woman is an android that can process human interaction with incredible efficiency...
... and will not be fooled by this charade. Hey, got to give props where they’re due. She’ll probably be the Supreme Overlord of Earth one day.
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Raf is officially retiring from the dating scene and moving into a cabin in the woods. Please forward all hate mail to @RafFoSho.