He’s wearing: Cardinals gear, because it's the Cardinal way.
He’ll immediately argue: That St. Louis-style pizza with its Provel "cheese" is tastier than Chicago pizza.
He's drinking: Budweiser -- the only beer his palate will accept.
He’s not talking about: His cousin from the Ozarks who dabbles in meth, and by "dabbles" he means “cooks and sells”, but not in a dramatic Walter White way.
In a nutshell: It’s easy to pick him out during baseball season when he’s lording over hapless Cubs fans, but in colder months look for a hint of toasted ravioli on his breath and an unusually excited reaction when he hears Nelly.
How can you tell that someone's a Midwest transplant? Let us know in the comments.
Matt Lynch is a Senior Editor at Thrillist, and has thoroughly enjoyed his travels to all of his fine Midwestern neighbors. He promises. Follow him @MLynchChi.
Sean Cooley is Thrillist's Chicago Editor, and he's noticed that a pie tin is a handy pie chart for how much pie you've eaten. Follow him @SeanCooley.