Lifestyle

Your Chi NYE will probably suck thanks to these people

New Year’s Eve can be the worst, even when it isn’t a star-studded trash heap of a film with no discernible plot. If you have big expectations, it’ll never meet them, and if you have no expectations… it’ll still somehow fail to meet them. Worse still, wherever you are, you could run into one of these 13 absolutely terrible people:

1. The Amateur
He’s typically “not much of a partier”, but hey, it’s New Year’s Eve, so he’s “just going to go for it”. Wait, why is his shirt off? It’s 830p. Someone please switch him to the sparkling apple juice that the pregnant lady brought. He won’t be able to tell.

2. The Guy Who Can’t Believe There Are No Cabs
Who could have possibly foreseen that trying to land a taxi on Clark Street at 230a might prove difficult? Why yes, this IS a great time to start swearing at those people who got in a cab in front of you even though they were clearly there first. Oh great, now your girlfriend is crying. Maybe try Uber? WHAT DO YOU MEAN RATES ARE HIGHER?!

3. Mr. Sentimental
Sometime around 10p, he’ll start bro-hugging you and talking about how you’re seriously one of his best friends while exhaling whiskey all over you. You consider him a casual acquaintance at best.

4. The Uptight Host
“Thanks so much for inviting me to your sparkling new River North condo. Of course I’ll take my shoes off! A glass of wine? Sure. Um… fine, I guess I can use a sippy cup. And yes, I’ll use a coaster. Wait, why do I need a second coaster FOR my coaster?”

5. Mrs. Underdressed
It’s January dear. We know your dress is sparkly, but there’s no shame in a coat. Or shoes. Wait, where are your shoes?! You left them at Rockit? With your coat? Well played. Incidentally, she’s often tragically at the mercy of The Guy Who Can’t Believe There Are No Cabs.

6. Getting His Money’s-Worth Guy
He spent $75-worth of that CDW paycheck on this open bar, and damn if he isn’t going to get double the value out of it by pounding well drinks and approaching you every 20 minutes to update you on his total. Sometime before midnight he will lose count, and his dignity.

7. Mr. Lonely-At-Midnight
They spent the entire night trying to find someone, anyone, to suck face with when the clock struck 12. They failed. They spent those jubilant seconds uncomfortably staring at you and your girlfriend with a mix of sadness and veiled rage.

8. The Still-Optimistic Bulls Fan
Insists that your party broadcasts the sure-to-be-thrilling Bulls-Raptors tilt, because he “wants to see how Tony Snell is coming along”. Keeps telling everyone Derrick will be back for the playoffs.

9. The Guy Who Stole Your Cab
Sure, you had to see it coming. But still, f*** that guy.

10. The Fighting Couple
An entire year’s worth of resentment has finally bubbled over thanks to that last round of shots and his failure to propose at Christmas like she thought he would, considering they’ve been sharing that condo in Bucktown for THREE years. You will be approached to take sides. Don’t.

11. The Overly Amorous Couple
Wow… they’re still going at it, huh? Realllly extending that NYE kiss. It’s 1219a. Did he just start unzipping her dress? And is Lonely-At-Midnight guy STILL watching?!

12. The Party Hoppers
“SO great to see you too! Sorry we’re late, we got held up at this house party in Lakeview and it took forever to get a cab. Want to do some shots really quick? We can’t stay, we promised we’d be at her brother’s party in Lincoln Square by midnight.” We’re glad you’re popular, but pick a party and go with it.

13. The Appetizer Hoarder
You may have thought you were being sly, but everyone saw you consume 85% of the bacon-wrapped scallops. And now you’re wreaking havoc on the stuffed mushrooms! Maybe take a few seconds to catch your breath/ have a conversation/ not clog your arteries.