On an average weekday, 1.6 million rides are taken on the CTA by 1.5 million totally normal people, and 100,000 completely and utterly terrible ones. These, in no particular order, are the most brutal commuters you’ll encounter on Chicago ‘L’ trains.
Anyone using a cell phone as a boombox
Please, just stop.
Anyone using a cell phone as a phone
No one wants to hear about your Uncle’s polyps. Just Snapchat him like a normal person.
The person who doesn’t give up their seat for anyone
Really? Not even the old guy? Or the pregnant lady? Or even the pregnant old guy???
The naked woman who claims to be the "Goddess of the Train"
On second thought... you can stay. On third thought... wait, you're screaming and slapping people.
A mob of teenagers
They’re prone to fits of screaming, wrestling, and general acts of hooliganism, like tearing down El maps to prove… what exactly?
The chatty train operator
Train times and delays: pertinent. Letting us know every two minutes that the train should be moving in two minutes: unnecessary. Please just make the train move.
No one wants your demo CD... but only because we have no way of playing it.
Slow guy on the stairs
You’re behind them on the stairs when they stop you dead in your tracks once they realize it’s your train coming, not theirs.
The guy with the giant backpack
Your backpack, no matter how gigantic, does not get a seat under any circumstance. Backpacks are not people.
The rush hour biker
If only you had some means of transportation to make this train car less congested…
You're somehow actually worse than Rush Hour Biker.
The guy who makes the train his home office
He’s got a 22in. laptop, shoulder bag, head phones, seat saved for his iPhone, and coffee. All that’s missing is a paper shredder and any sense of self-awareness.
Whether you’re the same proportions as Kevin Smith or can only sit legs akimbo, this is unacceptable seating.
Idiot who sticks his arm in the closing doors to get in
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Idiot who walks between train cars
PICK A TRAIN CAR!
Idiot who pulls the emergency door knob
DO YOU HAVE A DEATHWISH?!?!?
Guy who leaves behind toenail clippings
The next time we see toenail bits we’re sending them to a forensics lab so we can track you down and smack you with a Singapore cane.
The sick and dying
At least sneeze into the wing of your arm and keep your contagion at bay. Even babies know to use the wing by now, and they’re babies.
No burritos. No smearing cream cheese on your bagel with your finger. No leaving behind chicken bones. For the record, these are the only acceptable foods to eat on public transit.
You see an empty train during rush hour, and you think “Jackpot!” However, that is the last synapse that will fire in your brain before it is overrun by a gaseous emission that could only come from a week-long binge of hot-curdled blue cheese. While the Pooper is unredeemable, the situation does produce the best person on the CTA: the saint who exits the car and warns everyone not to get on.
Alright, who’d we miss? Let us know in the comments below.