Lifestyle

The horrendous Divvy bike rider: don’t be that guy

Bike sharing has swept across Chicago as it evolves into Amsterdam (medical marijuana purchases begin January 1st!), and putting more two-wheelers on the streets certainly has its positives if you’re looking to commute around town, throw down sicktricks, or lead a spinning class for the homeless. But like most government programs (*cough* Ventra *cough*), Divvy bike implementation has had some unintended consequences, like spawning a new batch of bicycle gremlins for you to avoid at all costs

The Tourist: You know those directionless out-of-towners who wander the city, swarming Michigan Ave to sight-see before they partake in some big-city nightlife at T.G.I. Friday's? Well, now they’re mobile. Not only have they stuffed an entire backpack into their front rack and incessantly laid on the bell, they’re riding in a flying-V formation across every lane of the Lake Shore path

The Socialite: Also travels in packs, causing similar widespread traffic obstruction to the tourists, but they're from here, they're out in the neighborhoods, and they've decided this bike ride is the perfect time to discuss the wonders they might find at the farmer's market -- WAIT UNTIL YOU GET THERE AND LET THE MARKET INSPIRE YOU! Oh no, they're stopping for selfies now. “OMG, we're on bikes! #YOBO”

The Nervous Novice: He's the biking equivalent of the student driver. It’s baffling that not only has someone made it past braces without ever being on two wheels, but then has decided to try their hand at cycling as an adult not in a cushy neighborhood cul-de-sac, but on Ashland during rush hour. Look for erratic stops and starts, awkward games of chicken while debating whether to pass a parking car, and terrified attempts at left turns that are eventually abandoned in favor of walking the bike on the sidewalk in shame.

The Tenacious D-bag: On the opposite end of the spectrum, this guy is also on the sidewalk, but definitely not with any sense of shame as he weaves through crowds before peeling out into a blind intersection. He thinks a 40lb utility bike gives him license to audition for the lead in Premium Rush 2, showing no regard for traffic signals, car doors, strollers... basically anything.

The Bike-Texter: There has to be a special docking station in hell for a bike-texter. You realize our tax money is going to be spent on a PSA because of you, right?