Lifestyle

33 Signs You’re a Chicago Douchebag

Published On 06/15/2015 Published On 06/15/2015

There are innumerable people working hard every day to make our city a better place. This article is not about them. It’s about the people you come across who quietly conspire against you and make you question our collective human existence. Here we present 33 ways such douchiness most commonly manifests itself in Chicago.

1. You have Blackhawks season tickets but only go “with clients”

And then barely pay attention to the game.
 

2. You refuse to leave your neighborhood

Because everything you need to know about Chicago is within two miles of your house, thank you very much.
 

3. You trash talk the South Side but have never been South of Cermak

No, The Cell doesn’t count.
 

4. You call it “Chiraq”

Don’t do it. We don’t care what Spike Lee says. Just don’t.
 

5. You don’t pick up after your dog

There is no excuse.

Flickr/Andrew Huff

6. You park like this

 

7. You enjoy screaming at pedestrians from the back of a party trolley

 

8. You rush to the front of your buddy’s boat and shout, “I’m the king of the world!”

Act like you’ve been there before. Or even just act like you’ve been in public.
 

9. You have no idea the blue bins are for recycling

 

10. You think Logan Square is “edgy”

Flickr/jkiralyphotography

11. You refuse to take the el

Because “yuck, commoners.”
 

12. You drive everywhere, even if it’s two blocks…

… and then complain about traffic.
 

13. You talk on your phone on public transit, LOUDLY

The CTA is tired of your crappy manners.
 

14. You try and split the bill six ways at a sports bar

Because there’s no way you can do all that math after that many light beers, bro.
 

15. You propose dates to strip clubs on Tinder

Apparently, this is a thing.

Flickr/davitydave

16. You stand on the left of the escalator

 

17. You pretend to be the world’s biggest Hawks fan but only know Patrick Kane

It’s fine if you’re not a hockey buff. Just acknowledge it.
 

18. You think all the cool Chicago bars are located in River North

We don’t even know where to begin.
 

19. You thought Ed Debevic’s was “authentic Chicago cuisine”

 

20. You talk as loudly walking home from the bar as you do when you’re inside the bar

And you wonder why the bar gets complaints from neighbors.
 

21. You hate everyone who’s “ruining” Pilsen, even though you just moved there last year

PINK MONKEY

22. You have a $10,000 lifetime membership to the Pink Monkey

Your parents must be so proud.
 

23. You make fun of people for seeing the headliners at Lolla

We get it. You’re too cool for Paul McCartney. No one cares.
 

24. You manspread

And you do so shirtless.
 

25. You’re this guy

 

26. You think 10% is a good tip for food delivery in a snowstorm

 

27. You can’t believe your corner store doesn’t carry obscure microbrews

Because you’re too good for Revolution.

Flickr/Zach Inglis

28. You only drink “artisanal” coffee

We don’t even know what that means.
 

29. You wave your arms like a monkey trying to attract the attention of your server

Clearly, they do not enjoy this.
 

30. You blame Bartman for the Cubs curse

 

31. You pretend not to know the delivery driver even though he’s at your house twice a week

He definitely knows you.
 

32. You’re a season ticket holder for lingerie football

 

33. You’re pissed a bar charged you for abandoning your credit card

Poor showing.

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Jay Gentile is a Thrillist contributor and quite probably a worse person than anyone on this list. Follow him: @innerviewmag.

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