Lifestyle

15 Ways Chicago Is Trying to Kill You

A new year means another opportunity to take stock of your life, AND WHAT COULD END IT AT LITERALLY ANY GIVEN MOMENT. Well, this year, we seized the opportunity. Here are 15 everyday Chicago death traps that are lurking in plain sight. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. (Especially since we just did.)

1. This dog

Holy sh...

2. The donut on the right

Having a donut now and again isn't going to kill you. Having a donut from South Side’s Dat Donuts that's the size of a basketball now and again? Yeah, see, that totally will.

3. 12 days of Porn and Chicken

You say "best 12 days straight of partying ever." We say nothing, because we never heard you say anything, because you're dead from the best 12 days straight of partying ever.

4. Polar Bear Club

Any event that bills itself as "a Celebration of Shrinkage" should be approached with extreme caution. Especially when said event involves you jumping into a lake that's currently one degree above freezing.

5. The Willis Tower observation deck

"Bro, this is so sick! It's like we're floating in air! That crack is supposed to be there, right? Wait, I don't think it is! Dude, it's spreading! AHHHHHHHHHHhhhh... hhhh... hh... h...!"

6. Bubbly Creek

Ya know, the part of the Chicago River so polluted it still bubbles with the gas of rotting meat entrails from the stockyard era/you when you slip into it.

7. Jay Cutler

According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress is linked to the six leading causes of death. According to the People Who Watch The Chicago Bears Association, Jay Cutler is the leading cause of chronic stress.

8. Chicicles

Aka, could-fall-at-any-moment-murder-daggers.

9. Polar vortex

Duh.

10. The Quad Burger at Choppers

Eating a burger with four patties would probably just seriously injure you. But the Quad Burger inexplicably has five. Game over. Sorry dude.

bloody mary
rockit ranch productions

11. Any of these Bloody Marys

But extra-especially the one pictured.

12. Bad Decision Bars

Here's how it'll happen: you'll be standing behind a bachelorette who's sucking face with a complete stranger, both of whom are unfazed by the guy trying to simultaneously pee in a garbage can AND order a round of shots RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. Pee guy will spill some, you'll slip on it and into bro with a backwards cap, he will try to fight you, you will lose. Forever.

13. St. Patrick’s Day

There’s only so much green beer the human body can tolerate. And, at some point, you will break that hallowed barrier.

14. The Chicago White Sox banana split sundae helmet

A 3lb, 12-scoop, banana split sundae in a full-size batting helmet. If this doesn't kill y... oh who are we kidding, this will kill you.

15. The El

Could be the third rail. Could be stress caused by waiting for signal clearance.

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Jay Gentile is Thrillist’s Chicago Editor and on the lookout for escaped zoo animals this winter. Follow him @ThrillistChi.