15 Ways Chicago Is Trying to Kill You
A new year means another opportunity to take stock of your life, AND WHAT COULD END IT AT LITERALLY ANY GIVEN MOMENT. Well, this year, we seized the opportunity. Here are 15 everyday Chicago death traps that are lurking in plain sight. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. (Especially since we just did.)
1. This dogHoly sh...
2. The donut on the rightHaving a donut now and again isn't going to kill you. Having a donut from South Side’s Dat Donuts that's the size of a basketball now and again? Yeah, see, that totally will.
3. 12 days of Porn and ChickenYou say "best 12 days straight of partying ever." We say nothing, because we never heard you say anything, because you're dead from the best 12 days straight of partying ever.
4. Polar Bear Club
Any event that bills itself as "a Celebration of Shrinkage" should be approached with extreme caution. Especially when said event involves you jumping into a lake that's currently one degree above freezing.
6. Bubbly CreekYa know, the part of the Chicago River so polluted it still bubbles with the gas of rotting meat entrails from the stockyard era/you when you slip into it.
7. Jay CutlerAccording to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress is linked to the six leading causes of death. According to the People Who Watch The Chicago Bears Association, Jay Cutler is the leading cause of chronic stress.
8. ChiciclesAka, could-fall-at-any-moment-murder-daggers.
9. Polar vortexDuh.
10. The Quad Burger at ChoppersEating a burger with four patties would probably just seriously injure you. But the Quad Burger inexplicably has five. Game over. Sorry dude.
13. St. Patrick’s DayThere’s only so much green beer the human body can tolerate. And, at some point, you will break that hallowed barrier.
14. The Chicago White Sox banana split sundae helmetA 3lb, 12-scoop, banana split sundae in a full-size batting helmet. If this doesn't kill y... oh who are we kidding, this will kill you.
15. The ElCould be the third rail. Could be stress caused by waiting for signal clearance.
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Jay Gentile is Thrillist’s Chicago Editor and on the lookout for escaped zoo animals this winter. Follow him @ThrillistChi.