Why Chicago is just better than every other city
Because you have stupid friends who stupidly live in cities other than Chicago and it's hard to keep track of why Chicago is infinitely better than each of their specific, stupid cities, here's a quick cheat sheet with reasons why 30 stupid, non-Chicago North American cities all suck by comparison.
NYCWe’ve heard of these things called garbage cans.
BostonThe Chicago accent: amusing, makes you think of old SNL episodes. The Boston accent: a grating jumble of vowels and consonants that makes you want to throw yourself into traffic.
Washington DCOur corrupt politicians are more fun. Was Marion Berry ever on The Apprentice? Well???
PhiladelphiaYou put Cheez Whiz on your city’s signature food. That is all.
TorontoRahm Emanuel starred in Chicagoland. Rob Ford starred in this. Okay Toronto, maybe you beat us on this one.
MontrealThe Canadians may have started hockey, but the Blackhawks perfected it.
MinneapolisYou know you’ve got problems if Chicago is calling you out for your crappy weather. Which we are.
MilwaukeeMilwaukee is exactly like Chicago. Only smaller, colder, sadder, and a lot less fun. Other than that, though, exactly like Chicago.
St. LouisDoesn't matter what we say here, you're going to fire back by talking about the Cardinals, and that's fine, just stop singing about them for the sake of all things holy.
DetroitWhen the City of Chicago is a comparative model of fiscal responsibility, you know you’re in trouble.
ClevelandOh, you got LeBron back? Good for you. Did he win six championships for you yet? No? Still zero? Bummer.
CincinnatiWe hear you're famous for your chili. That's pretty cool -- we only have pizza, Italian beef, Chicago dogs, rib tips, cemitas, polish sausage...
IndianapolisOur city feels like an actual city. And your city feels like Naperville.
New OrleansAt least winter gives Clark Street a few urine-free months -- can't say the same for Bourbon Street.
NashvilleYou call yourself Music City. Buuuuuuuut we host Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Riot Fest, Blues Fest, Spring Awakening, North Coast, not to mention about a billion street fests, so, um, yeah...
DallasYou spent $1.3 billion on a football stadium. We spent $250K to build Wrigley Field. Which I think makes us... five times better?
HoustonWe’ve heard of these things called zoning laws.
AustinWe'd really love to give you crap, but you look pretty busy at that artisanal mustache wax booth at the farmers market, so, we'll wait.
LouisvilleWe stopped getting around by horseback around 1900.
SeattleWe gave the world the skyscraper, the birth control pill, Playboy, the cell phone, and the remote control. You gave us Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
PortlandWe don’t need a sign reminding us to stay weird. Nobody does.
San Francisco$2,300 a month there gets you a shared studio apartment. Here, it gets you a, um, house.
Los AngelesAs soon as you get off the freeway, we'll tell you why we're better. So, like, hour and a half-ish?
San Diego'Sup, whale's vagina.
DenverWe enjoy getting high, too (on life... we enjoy getting high on life). It's just not the entire crux of our society.
PhoenixYour skin looks like the material used to make our jackets. And no, that's not a good thing.
AtlantaCongratulations Atlanta! You beat out O’Hare as the world’s busiest airport. But you’re still Atlanta.
MiamiYour skin looks like the material used to make our girlfriends' boots. Also not a good thing.
OrlandoMickey Mouse is a shirtless asshole. And he's the only thing you guys have going for you.
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