Lifestyle

Dallas's 99 problems

You live in Dallas, which means you’ve grown accustomed to the charms of world-class BBQ and the different but also powerful charms that come with being the birthplace of the breast implant. But you also realize that Dallas isn't without its problems -- specifically these 99 of them:

1. Third-degree steering wheel burns on your hand in Summertime
2. Mesquite
3. The drive to AT&T Stadium
4. The parking at AT&T Stadium
5. The drive back from AT&T Stadium
6. The existence of 635
7. That one mall off of 635 that no one goes to. Does it actually exist?
8. Our public transit system is unlikely to actually get you anywhere. Might get you robbed, though.
9. Consistently ranking as an overweight city despite the presence of a gym on every corner
10. Gyms with valet parking. That might have something to do with #9?
11. JFK reenactment tourists on Main St
12. Tony Romo just threw another interception
13. Jerry Jones just affirmed his faith in Tony Romo
14. People from Oklahoma during Texas/OU Weekend
15. People from Austin during Texas/OU Weekend
16. People from Oklahoma and Austin, generally speaking
17. That stupid haircut SMU kids have. You know the one.
18. The crowds at Concrete Cowboy
19. Whatever decision-making process got you to Concrete Cowboy
20. Pink Cowboys jerseys
21. Panhandlers
22. Sharing a state with Houston
23. Overcrowded pools

24. Mini-mansions
25. One of lowest collective average credit scores in nation
26. And yet, everyone seems to drive a car from a rap video
27. Man-made lakes that look like deserts
28. Water bans
29. Whataburger’s 24-hour policy, as you are powerless to resist 3am taquitos
30. That one girl at every bar in Uptown
31. Garland
32. That moment you forget it's reverse Happy Hour at KONA Grill which means an hour wait for a table
33. You're stuck waiting it out, because now you want $2 sushi, too
34. What happens when Dirk retires?
35. Sunday Funday amateurs
36. Price-gouging rent in Uptown
37. Irresponsible dog owners
38. We mean with the poop
39. Cab drivers pre-Uber
40. Surge pricing post-Uber
41. "Fast lane" drivers who don’t understand what that means
42. Tex-Mex NOT from Texas -- looking at you, Del Taco
43. The Loon is now a CVS
44. Prince Fielder’s neck
45. Prince Fielder’s contract
46. Ian Kinsler’s killing it for the Tigers
47. Shirtless joggers on Katy Trail who shouldn’t be shirtless
48. B-list celebrities
49. As in, Vanilla Ice is from here
50. Nighttime sweat stains

51. Ice storms. No, not like the movie.
52. When your Cabana Bowl at Taco Cabana doesn’t have enough meat
53. The NTTA
54. Red light tickets in the mail
55. Mailmen seem to lose other stuff, but never red light tickets
56. Getting your car towed and having to pick it up in South Dallas at 3am
57. Downtown one-ways
58. Deep Ellum isn’t quite what it used to be
59. Uptown bachelorette party penis paraphernalia
60. Downtown parking meters
61. Summertime AC outages
62. Transplanted Californians
63. Seasonal allergies year-round
64. Anything that causes you to have to go to the suburbs
65. The Stars play in the Western Conference
66. So do the Mavs
67. We drive everywhere, and the air reflects it
68. Harry Hines Blvd
69. $30,000 millionaires
70. Actual millionaires
71. Lines outside bars that aren’t actually full
72. Botoxed cougars in Plano
73. Botoxed cougars elsewhere
74. North Park Mall in December
75. North Park Mall the other 11 months
76. No one uses a blinker
77. Nile Virus mosquitoes
78. Non-Nile Virus mosquitoes

Margarita 99 Problems with DAL
Aaron Miller

79. Frozen margarita headaches
80. Rain = no one has ever driven a car before
81. The loss of Kidd Kraddick
82. The loss of Larry Hagman
83. The siren song of Thursday night drink specials
84. The harsh reality of Friday morning
85. Baseball sized hail + no garage
86. Tornado-sized… tornados that don’t care if you have a garage or not
87. They forgot the limes for your tacos
88. They forgot the hot sauce, too!
89. Intimidatingly good-looking people
90. Construction. Always.
91. Our churches are getting as bloated as our citizenry
92. State fair food comas in Summer
93. BBQ comas in general
94. Chain restaurant overload
95. The Downtown tunnels
96. DFW parking is a nightmare
97. But all that hurrying was unnecessary because your flight is delayed
98. Frisco
99. Fort Worth