Most Old West retreats make you feel like time has stood still, though that's mainly because you've lost your watch up a cow's ass, and Billy Crystal is still funny. For a more raucously contemporary western experience, hit Fest Out West, June 2-6.
Held at the freshly overhauled 27,000-acre Lajitas Golf Resort and Spa, this authentically dusty boozy extravaganza offers live bands every night (from Reckless Kelly, to all-hot-girl act The Trishas, to all hot-'cock act Butch Hancock), poolside happy hours every day, and a slew of activities, with one included in your "Dubya Tex" pass, and the rest half off. The options:
Golf: Play nine with instruction (or a full round at the 1/2-off rate) on the GPS-cart-equipped, heat-resistant-African-grassed, Lanny Watkins-designed Black Jack's Crossing, whose pro shop is actually an 1800s trading post, a nod to days when you prayed the golden bear wouldn't survive 18 holes.
Guided ATV Tours: Roll out into the Chihuahuan Desert.
Five-Stand Skeet Shoot: Eight automated traps shoot clays in a pattern to replicate doves, quails, pheasants, or, for men completely unaffected by childhood cartoons, rabbits.
Trail Rides: Hop on a horse, head to the border for a
Fajita Grilled Stuft Burrito stunning view of the Lajitas Mesa.
River Trips: Hop in a canoe to drift past Rio Grand gorges.
Cowboy Action Shoot: Play out classic scenes from films like Unforgiven by, say, busting into a saloon and firing Colt 45s and Winchesters, or...firing a load into a guy as he's dropping one?
There're also tournaments for both washers and poker, or if you're feeling fancy go with spa options from massages to agave facial wraps -- schedule one and you might feel like an ass, but you'll look like Curly's Gold.