You know that dream everyone has about cruising a wealthy Denver neighborhood in a Town Car, trying to pick up housewives who've aged as beautifully as the expensive wine they start drinking at 10a? Well, now you can make that totally normal fantasy a reality, with Thrillist's reader-exclusive Cougar Safari. The professional driver, burlesque performer, and admitted youth-lover behind newly launched Cougar Limo Service will pick you and three of your most adventurous friends up in her Lincoln (actual license plate: "COUGRR1") dressed all sexy, then administer lady-killing advice while carting you to boozy stops around desperate housewife-heavy Cherry Creek. Pump the oldies (... on the radio -- you're sick!) as Patti chauffeurs you to:
Stop #1: Nordstrom's for a new outfit, natch These women have refined taste, so you and the boys'll want to gear up at CC's upscalest department store. Patti asserts that "most older women like a man's ass" (further, she reports: "they don't want a guy looking like he came off stage from a rap concert... I dated those guys"). You know the drill: holler at brands like Joseph Abboud, Hugo Boss, and Michael Kors -- no relation to the beer you'll have to take a break from whilst on your high-end safari. Chablis only!
Stop #2: Vinue Food & Wine Bar And you're off! The swank vino palace with delicious tapas (seared cut beef tenderloin with a demi-glace aioli) and 68 bottles is also Demi-central. Patti explains that even though they'll be looking for a younger man, they don't want him "acting like our sons", so heed her advice: "even if you don't know sh*t about wine, swirl the glass, sniff it, taste it, and look like you know what you're doing".
Stop #3: Canvas and Cocktails Such a no-brainer. This mixer-disguised-as-an-art-class provides all the materials (plus $3 wines and $2 beers), as well as a clientele best summed up by Patti's admission that a painting she herself made at a similar class currently hangs in her kitchen.
Stop #4: Cherry CC's newest nightclub purposefully courts the over-30 crowd, so take advantage of their bottle service, enjoy the "living room atmosphere", and remember that these aren't college girls when initiating grind-dances. Follow Patti's warning to "honor the appropriate space", and you may just wake up from a wonderful dream to find a real cougar invading your own.