Lifestyle

The 24 Denver Commandments

And lo, Mayor Hancock descended from the mountains after a killer powder day with two tablets and a pint of local beer and gave unto the people of Mile High 24 commandments which, if followed, would surely lead to an even more blissful life amongst the fittest folks who, again, drink the best beer. The tablets read:

THOU SHALT…

1. Always know which direction is West
Because mountains.

2. Be honest about from whence thou came
You aren’t originally from Denver. Unless you're Steve. He's the only guy.

3. Knoweth where the Broncos play
Sports Authority Field will get a pass, but Invesco is better and "at Mile High" is forever.

4. Applyeth the SPF 45 liberally
300 days of sunshine + one mile closer to all those UV rays = DANGER.

5. Beer thyself
Three new breweries just opened while you were finishing that beer from that new brewery.

6. Expect delays
One of the Twin Tunnels is closed, all of Cherry Creek is under construction, the Dodgers are in town, it's 4:20pm… yeah, expect delays.

7. Shreddeth on a weekday
For thou shall findeth no lift lines, and a blue jeans-wearing Texan cutting you off will prove less likely.

8. Direct tourists to 16th Street Mall
All they want is a kitschy Colorado T-shirt. All you want is for them to be somewhere you can avoid them.

9. Curse Car2Go smart cars to thee heavens
"Hey! Is that a parking spot at the end of the street?" No, it's not!

10. Not get overly psyched that weed is "suddenly" legal
It's been legal for years if you've been paying any attention.

Burrito DEN Commandments
Sara Norris

11. Splurgeth at Chipotle
Thou SHALT have some EXTRA guac!

12. Knoweth thy ‘hood
There aren’t that many to remember. Just make sure you pronounce RiNo like "rhino" and everything's cool.

13. Bruncheth
Boozily. Every weekend.

 

THOU SHALT NOT…


1. Blame last night’s partying transgressions on the altitude
An acceptable excuse when visiting, but you live here now. Party like you belong.

2. Believe in conspiracy theories about DIA…
You really believe that England is buying up land around DIA to start the New World Order?

3. Ignore conspiracy theories about DIA
Watchin’ you, Prince Bill.

4. Complaineth about the heat
Because, clearly, it's a dry heat.

5. Steppeth into Coyote Ugly
Nope.

6. Falleth asleep on the delivery guy
Yeah, it took over an hour to get to you, but you did order D.P. Dough at three in the morning once those munchies set in.

7. Talketh funny
We don't do accents here.

8. Forget thy first Rocky Mountain oyster
Having fried balls in your mouth is a singular right of passage.

9. Disrespect the Duke of Denver
Fine, no one actually calls him that, but seriously, one bad word about Mr. Elway and we have ourselves a problem.

10. Be underequipped
Snowboards, skis, bikes, helmets, tents, backpacks, camelbacks, guns, hatchets, beer, and anything and everything at REI should fit nicely into your Subaru and also double as fitting apartment decor.

11. Trek Colfax alone
Some Colfax inhabitants = wildlings from North of The Wall.

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