Does Your Denver Suburb Suck? An Investigation.
Denver is inarguably fantastic. Denver's suburbs? Well, that's debatable. Ever been in the suburbs and thought, "I think this place might suck?" Well, now you can know for sure...
Wheat RidgeWhile there's a surprising lack of both wheat and ridges, Wheat Ridge makes up for it with a surplus of old people. So many old people.
WestminsterThere's always a heated debate about whether it's pronounced "Westminster" or "Westminister," and that's the bulk of the excitement to be found here.
LakewoodOtherwise known as "Lakehood."
AuroraThere are some legit Asian and Ethiopian restaurants. Hopefully that excites you, because there isn't much else.
EdgewaterUnlike Wheat Ridge, Edgewater lives up to its name, legitimately situated on the edge of some water. Unfortunately, said water is Sloan's Lake, and it's kinda gross and unfortunate-smelling.
LakesideYou want thrills? Hit the Lakeside Amusement Park, where the rides will have your heart racing as you wonder whether or not they're on the brink of collapsing. It's like if a dive bar morphed into an amusement park, but in a bad way. This is the highlight of Lakeside.
ArvadaIt has a Gunther Toody's. Oh wait, that shut down. Arvada: home of a former Gunther Toody's!
EnglewoodIf you're in your 70s and watch a ton of Antiques Roadshow, Englewood is the PLACE. If you're anyone else, it most assuredly is not.
Highlands RanchBeware of cougars here. Not the animal. Well, possibly the animal. You never know. But definitely the other kind.
BroomfieldThis used to be a part of Boulder, but they separated in 1998. Boulder has continued to blossom into a thriving city with throngs of visitors and rich culture, and Broomfield... well, they have Flatirons Mall. So that's... something?
Commerce CityMore like Commerce Sh*tty! For real though, was this town named by a focus group of MBA students or something?
MorrisonOn the positive side, you're living super close to Red Rocks. On the negative side, you get to deal with ALL the people who are going to Red Rocks, and the traffic that comes with it.
ThorntonIf your idyllic night out is a dinner at a mid- to lower-tier chain restaurant wedged into a booth between a family of four with parents who gave up trying to discipline their kids several years ago and another family that fits that precise description, well then man, are you going to enjoy Thornton!
GlendaleThe 24/7 Colorado Blvd traffic required to visit Glendale is reason enough to never visit Glendale.
LittletonThis is the final resting place of the first convicted cannibal in American history. So yeah, there are some tourist attractions.
Cherry HillsIf you've ever wanted to have your car rear-ended in a parking lot by some trust-fund kid on the golf team driving the SUV his dad bought him for finishing rehab, and then have said kid call you a "peasant" unironically, then you should hang out in Cherry Hills. But don't move there. You can't afford it.
GoldenWho would you rather hang out with: engineering students or tourists flocking to the Coors factory? Guess what, you don't have to choose!
Greenwood VillageIf you watch Caddyshack and think to yourself, "Judge Smails is the sort of man I'd like to have as a neighbor and friend," AND you just inherited a decent-sized real estate fortune, welcome home.
CentennialVoted "Most Likely To Have Residents Who Really, Really Wish They Hadn't Decided To Leave Denver."
ParkerYour ex-girlfriend's parents probably live here. If they don't, give it time.
Mountain ViewNaming a Colorado town "Mountain View" is like building an enormous sign that says: "There Is Literally Nothing Here. It's The Best We Could Do, Okay?".
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