The 14 Transplants You'll Meet in Denver

Denver is a city of many fine qualities, which means many of the people "from" Denver actually came here from elsewhere. These transplants come in all shapes and sizes (well not like, giant and square -- it's an expression, okay?), so here's a field guide to some of the species you're most likely to encounter:

The Spot-On Portlander

You could watch Portlandia, or you could just observe this character's antics locally. There is shockingly little difference.

The Summit County Legend

Descended on Denver after maybe one too many years of fresh pow, heavy partying, and mornings spent at over 12,000ft. You may have had the most epic weekend ever, but nothing will compare to that season back in '99. The regret lies heavy on their sun-soaked faces that they’ve hung up their boots and boards for a more straight life below the tree line.

The Proud "Chicagoan"

The air quotes are necessary here, because when someone hanging out in Denver claims Chicago as a hometown, there is an 87% chance it's a lie. Call them out and make them sheepishly disclose what suburb they're from before they start waxing poetic about their unreasonably large pizza, even though nobody asked them about pizza.

The Midwesterner With a Dream

Once, in his youth, he trekked through to Colorado in the family station wagon from Indianapolis or Minneapolis or some other "-polis." From that day forth, there was a voice in his heart saying, "Go West!," and he finally made it! Will he outlast the passive-aggressive, concerned guilt trips from his mother? Only time will tell!

The Nature Obsessive

You were not aware that it was possible for a single individual to own this much Patagonia and North Face. Would you like to talk about some of his future hikes? See Instagrams of his past hikes? Have you noticed the stickers on his car noting the mountains he's climbed? If that car isn't a Subaru, it's only a matter of time.

The Western Sloper

The rough exterior of folks from the arid, desert-like side of the Rockies makes them look like people you wouldn't want to "meth" with. These guys are hightailing it out of Grand Junction and its surrounding areas faster than Jesse Pinkman and seeking refuge in Denver, specifically Cap Hill. They are tatted, pierced, and have partially shaved heads, thus scaring many of the Midwestern transplants.

The Subtle Seattleite

Between their appreciation of fine ales and familiarity with enlightened drug policies, they can be difficult to distinguish from the locals at first glance. If they try (unsuccessfully) to argue the virtues of The Gorge over Red Rocks, you'll know.

The Transitioning CU Grad

After five or six (seven?) years in Boulder, he's decided it's time to try to break into the brewing industry. Note: "break into" means attending numerous happy hours for as long as he can get mom and dad to continue subsidizing the rent.

The Insufferable San Franciscan

Relocated here for important business reasons that he'll happily tell you about, but not before unfavorably comparing Denver to SF three or four times in a single sentence. Eventually, he'll realize all his former city has going for it is a crippling cost of living and rampant public defecation. Or he'll move back and no one will mind.

The Herd of Iowans

Man, people from the Midwest really crave mountain views, don't they? Iowa in particular seems to direct so many inhabitants to Denver that it's amazing there's anyone left in Iowa. Raising livestock predisposed to herd behavior must have really made an impression on their psyche back home, because they invariably seem to roll in tight-knit packs of like, 20 people. If they're decked in Hawkeyes gear and headed to a bar... avoid that bar.

The Guy Who Moved Out Here Because, Weed

Hey, priorities! Shake this man's hand for his fervent support of local education funding.

The Guy Who Moved Out Here Because, Money (Because Weed)

Credit where credit is due: these entrepreneurs saw an opportunity, and armed with only a bit of hustle, business acumen, and laughable marijuana-based wordplay, they are raking in the green as they hand out a different kind of green.

The Front-Running New Englander

Anyone else noticed how much these folks seemed to multiply since their Super Bowl "victory"? (Really, Pete, you couldn't have just run Beast Mode and left us with just the Seattle people to deal with?) You'll find these people are statistically more predisposed to starting bar fights for no apparent reason, fond of abusing the letter "r," and consistently bewildered that there isn't more Sam Adams on tap around here. "Where's my Boston lag-ah?!"

The Denim-Clad Texan

Your first run-in with a Texan was probably on a slope and he most likely cut you off while wearing two kinds of denim and rental skis. Guess what? He decided to stick around! You'll find him in a bar still wearing the denim, chasing Tito's with a Lone Star, and getting defensive when you observe that the mountains are bigger than anything in Texas.

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